I'm still out of work and about to go crazy. I miss having to get dressed every day and having something to look forward to. I do like my home, but I just need to get out. I feel a little better getting as much rest as I have been able to get. I'm just going through the motions of daily living. I feel like I'm waiting on something, but in reality I'm not. Simply waiting on the day when I awaken and don't feel as if I've been up all night. My family members have been wonderful through this relapse. I spoke with my case manager at MetLife earlier, emailed my human resources representative and got some reading in today. I guess this makes for a pretty eventful day as most days I only get to do the reading. I also had an appointment with a vocational rehab counselor. She was mostly impressed with my ability to get the job that I have, that she didn't hear my questions. That was pretty much a waste of time and effort. Hopefully, I'll wake up one morning soon and all will better! We'll see. Until then, I'll just keep on keeping on!
Over the past few days and weeks, I've heard the word chronic like never before. I knew I had a chronic illness, but it never resonated with me as it has with me here lately. I know that as of today there's no cure for Multiple Sclerosis. I'm aware that there is a great chance that I will be crippled by this disease. As I stumble to the coffee pot for coffee this morning, I worried about whether or not I'll be walking for much longer. I think of the word chronic. Just last week, while at the doctor's office, the doctor broke it down for me. "Tammy I hate to say this, but you have a "chronic" condition that does not appear to be getting better and based on the course of this disease will not get better. That's a reality that you have to get used to." I'll never forget those words. She pushes me to apply for SSD. As much as I love God and as much trust I have in him, I must admit that I'm afraid to, This chronic illness has increased my anxiety so much so that I am questioning God's ability to be with me through everything. That's so not normal for me. Lead me, guide me dear Lord!!!
I've been thinking a lot lately. I had reached a place where I'd nearly given up. I thank God for my blogger friends! Just from reading various posts, praying of course and writing, I've come to the conclusion that I can prevail. My body is tired and my brain seems fried, but I's still trying. My husband told me it won't be until I have to be hospitalized for weeks and am immobile before I decide to sit down. I responded by saying thank you. This upset him because he felt that I needed to look at what I go through and how I live daily and see that perhaps I do need to make a change. Well, sorry babe! I'm just not ready. I'm thankful to have a doctor who sees the reality of Multiple Sclerosis as well as cares enough to give me her honest position. It's just not time!
Right now, today, this very minute my decision is to keep moving. I pray for wisdom and guidance along the way. You can pray for me too!
I'm writing today because I just want to get some things out. I journal write, but there's something about getting the words out on my laptop. So here goes.
I'm struggling a bit with what to do at this point in my life. I've been told by my doctor to go stop working for pupose of getting Social Security Disability. I desperately want to continue to work, but realize there are true limitations that are caused by my health. I've evaluated my household income and feel that we will be okay while awaiting SSA's determination. Just ok although. Not great or even a little bit better than ok. I would have to decrease some of the things in my life and I know things have no true value when considering peace of mind. Right now, I just don't know what to do!
I'm trying to creep back. I am slowly making progress. I came on and started a post that I saved to drafts. I have been enduring a lot. A lot has been things that I implemented in my own life. I've got a lot going on mentally. I started taking anxiety medication recently because the weight of the world was on my shoulders it seemed. I feel them working now that I have been on them for about a couple of months. I am finally finding my way with this new job. I felt so led there by the Lord, but for a minute couldn't find peace in the answer. I was there, but it seemed like I couldn't have heard right.
MS is flaring itself again in the form of tingling, burning and even itching in my left arm and hand mostly. I have health concerns that have truly made me look differently at the foods I eat. I'm trying. It's hard.
My life is a blur right now. I'm tired most days, but I still go on. I won't stop because one day there will be a day that I can't.
Yay today is Friday! I forget that means nothing other than I've got to go to work tomorrow for me. I am happy although it is closer to having some time off from work
I've been experiencing some rough moments here lately and it is all because of my thought processes. I am a huge believer in Christ and if He said, He'll do it. You wouldn't believe based on my past actions. All week at work, I've been telling myself of the things I am not able to do. I've been playing out in my mind (sometimes even while at work - working) how bad things are going to get and how bad they are going to be when I either lose my job or quit it. I was lead to this new position by God. I am aware of that and I honestly believe it. My thinking is causing me to have doubt.. When in doubt, look to the father, right? I know through Him all things are possible and because of that, I can rejoice! Rejoice with me! Also hope, that I always remember this! I tend to forget everything these days!!!
As usual, it's been quite a while. There have been some changes since I was last here. The biggest change has been that I've changed jobs. My health seems to be experiencing sporadic changes more frequently now. Thankfully more things haven't changed. It honestly seemed like there were more. LOL!
As you very well know I loved, loved, loved my old job. God led me to leave and now I work for Verizon Wireless. It truly is a great company to work for. I must be honest although, I sometimes wonder what God has in store for me because whoo! It really is going to take some getting used to. Out of 23 people who started with me on January 31st, we've only lost one person. I must be honest again and say that I was almost riding out with her. Verizon is an awesome company again I must say. We are still going through an extensive training process. I thank them for that. My MS altered mind, is taking a little longer to process some things. Don't let me mention anxiety. Oh my! I almost quit two to three times a day. Scripture helps me tremendously during those times. Other things I can't seem to remember to save my life. I must say that I trust God with everything that I am and because of that can't wait to see where He leads me.
My health here lately seems to be a bit more on a more loopy roller coaster. I've incurred loops in the past so I am aware that MS can be very unpredictable. I just seem to be seeing this more often than not here lately. I won't complain as I can still see, still walk and do so many other things that many people with MS can not. I am thankful. I am just aware that progression is real and it is happening. Much like the graying of the hairs in my head, I have to just get used to it. I did see a new neurologist. He's out of town and I think I'm going to keep him along with my main neurologist in town. He offers a lot of cutting edge information, but I think I need my doctor in town too. I don't know if this ethically right, but he didn't seem to have a problem when I mentioned I'd like to keep my old neurologist. We'll see how that goes.
All in all, I experienced change recently and am anxious to see where this change leads me. On this ride, I will just set the cruise control and enjoy the scenery. Maybe even relinquish the driver's seat for a while!
Every time I say I'm going to write more often, I don't. So I vow to never say it again. I'll just try to do it as often as I can. A lot has happened since the last time I posted. I suffered a bad fall on November 15th. I broke my ankle because of it. It's better now thank God, but oh boy did I ever endure a tough time. I did find out that those things that we think are ever so important are not as important at all. My long held tradition of doing laundry on Saturday morning went out of the window when I couldn't wake before dawn on Saturday to do it, but the house did not crumble. That old saying about time healing wounds rings so true with me. A close friend of mine lost her father. In attending the funeral, it brought me back to a dark place of when my own dad passed. I'm getting ready to start a new career. Jesus took the wheel on this one because this is all on him. It doesn't seem like anything I would have ever done on my own. I don't know what the future holds, but I'm trusting this to be a good thing. I think I've learned to breathe a little more in the last few weeks. Things that used to bother me don't so much anymore. I'm creeping up on meditation. I'm reading about it and slowly, but surely plan to get into it. I suppose in some way or another I am already meditating. I'm enduring a relapse right now. It is getting better as I am about a week into it. I'm taking my Prednisone and treading along. I'm just thankful and happy to be here! Hope all is well with you where ever you may be right now!!!