I said before I even started to type that this would not be an entry in which I complained. I am thankful to be alive and healthy enough to still be functioning. Christmas 2010 was pretty good. I didn't get the chance to go home to see my mom because I am dead smack in what I hope is the end or at least the middle of a relapse. I am having problems with the left side of my face. I guess that makes sense because the lesions on my brain from MS are in the right temporal lobe region. I am well so I am ok. I just wish that these relapses would be nonexistant. I guess I could increase the chances of them being so by taking my Betaseron shot as I am supposed to and not when I feel like I need to. I simply hate that they make me feel, act and just plain make me dumb. I have asked others whether or not their MS drug of choice "dumbs them down" and a couple of people have agreed. I thank God for the wisdom he has given me. I hate being a complete idiot in regards to something that I know a great deal about just because I am preventing a relapse. Call me crazy or whatever you want to, it just doesn't make me feel very good. I look forward to the New Year. I don't think I am going to make any grand New Year's Resolutions. I may, but I may not. Thankfully, I don't have any school work as we have three weeks off before the new semester starts. Considering that I am at work and the fact that I left some of my brain at home still in bed this morning I will end here. I just wish I was a millionaire sometimes and work wouldn't be as important to me nor would the fear of waiting for social security to tell me whether or not I am going to be able to pay my bills and continue to live without having to go on government assistance as I await a determination of whether they feel I am eligible to not work anymore.
I have had my MS diagnosis for some time now. What I do know for sure is what I can and can not do. I also know that although we have made great strides in finding a cure for this terrible disease, we have a long way to go. I also know that some days will undoubtedly be better than others. I know that some people will never understand and for every one that won't, there will be two who won't even care enough to understand it. I know that although they will never say it, my loved ones sometimes get tired of the fact that I am in bed at 6 o'clock on a Saturday night, of the fact that I don't won't to nor probably could walk the entire mall or the fact that I know longer can do some of my favorite things because I have either forgotten or just can't do them any longer. I am 33 years old. I should be living it up, right? I mean I have never really travelled or done many fascinating things. I like to read so books take me away to distance places, but that's about it. Haven't been to the museum in years. The last movie I saw was in black in white. LOL - just kidding with that one, but it honestly feels like years ago. I don't even really go out to eat a lot at nice restaurants. I will admit that my family and I will drive thru somewhere pretty frequently to pick up a bite, but that is because I don't feel like cooking and we have to eat to stay alive. These are all personal choices. I have turned down many opportunities to do these things. Why? I really am tired. My tiredness isn't like the regular person's tiredness it is cruel and unusual. I feel like I am toting people around on my back sometimes - maybe a mother and her 2 year old or perhaps the father. It is truly something. With all of that being said, I am however, thankful for the good days. Happy about times when I feel like I don't even have MS. I am thankful for those people who call me at 12:45 am to tell me they just heard some good news in MS research. I am thankful to be alive. I am thankful that I can still walk, talk and see. I am thankful for a lot, but those were a few things that are certainly clear to me!
It has been some time since I posted anything. I have been busy with everything and nothing at the same time. I do miss my little outlet that blogging provides. I have been busy with life. I have been working, doing the home life/wife/mother thing, doing school work, still mourning my dad's death and just being. I think work, although it's only eight hours a day, is the most time consuming thing in my life right now. When I am away from work, I think about my return to work and all that it involves. My job isn't important by the world's standards, but any job that pays my bills are important by my standards and because of that, I take it very seriously. I must say too although that I can't wait to be off for the Christmas holidays come next Thursday. Also, our time starts all over again on January 1st as far as vacation and sick time. Two weeks vacation and six sick days is what I will be entitled too and I am so happy about that. I wonder what I am going to do upon completing my schooling as I certainly would hate to leave this company. I don't think there is any room for a counselor at a law firm, but we will cross that bridge when we get there. I think I am having a harder time now than I did in the beginning regarding my dad's death. Of course I think of him all the time, but it seems as of lately, I am having some problems with the fact that he is not here. I have problems with the fact that I have all these things I want to tell him, but am unable to. I will be making a trip to my hometown soon to see my mom, my brother and of course out to the cemetary. I used to write a whole lot more than I do now, but I will be returning to that as soon as possible. I think that will help me some, but I guess there is nothing like the loss of a loved one. I have endured death as an adult, my grandparents and a cousin as well as a few other deaths, but none have quite affected me like this one. I think about my daddy every single day at least every single hour. I miss him so much. So much of the last year and a half was spent with him alone at the hospitals and now it's all over. I am so much happier for him being at peace and all, but it leaves a void. I pray and I actually talk to him sometimes. It's hard, but I know I am and will continue to be. My dad used to say "As sure as we're born, we all must die." In the first few days after his death, that was a constant tune in my head - My hearing him say that. All in all, I am okay. Just busy. Sometimes, I think oh wow, I am so busy and I will be doing absolutely nothing. I guess it's more mental than anything. I'm good though - miss my writing here so I will hopefully be back on it!!!