I'm still out of work and about to go crazy. I miss having to get dressed every day and having something to look forward to. I do like my home, but I just need to get out. I feel a little better getting as much rest as I have been able to get. I'm just going through the motions of daily living. I feel like I'm waiting on something, but in reality I'm not. Simply waiting on the day when I awaken and don't feel as if I've been up all night. My family members have been wonderful through this relapse. I spoke with my case manager at MetLife earlier, emailed my human resources representative and got some reading in today. I guess this makes for a pretty eventful day as most days I only get to do the reading. I also had an appointment with a vocational rehab counselor. She was mostly impressed with my ability to get the job that I have, that she didn't hear my questions. That was pretty much a waste of time and effort. Hopefully, I'll wake up one morning soon and all will better! We'll see. Until then, I'll just keep on keeping on!
Over the past few days and weeks, I've heard the word chronic like never before. I knew I had a chronic illness, but it never resonated with me as it has with me here lately. I know that as of today there's no cure for Multiple Sclerosis. I'm aware that there is a great chance that I will be crippled by this disease. As I stumble to the coffee pot for coffee this morning, I worried about whether or not I'll be walking for much longer. I think of the word chronic. Just last week, while at the doctor's office, the doctor broke it down for me. "Tammy I hate to say this, but you have a "chronic" condition that does not appear to be getting better and based on the course of this disease will not get better. That's a reality that you have to get used to." I'll never forget those words. She pushes me to apply for SSD. As much as I love God and as much trust I have in him, I must admit that I'm afraid to, This chronic illness has increased my anxiety so much so that I am questioning God's ability to be with me through everything. That's so not normal for me. Lead me, guide me dear Lord!!!
I've been thinking a lot lately. I had reached a place where I'd nearly given up. I thank God for my blogger friends! Just from reading various posts, praying of course and writing, I've come to the conclusion that I can prevail. My body is tired and my brain seems fried, but I's still trying. My husband told me it won't be until I have to be hospitalized for weeks and am immobile before I decide to sit down. I responded by saying thank you. This upset him because he felt that I needed to look at what I go through and how I live daily and see that perhaps I do need to make a change. Well, sorry babe! I'm just not ready. I'm thankful to have a doctor who sees the reality of Multiple Sclerosis as well as cares enough to give me her honest position. It's just not time!
Right now, today, this very minute my decision is to keep moving. I pray for wisdom and guidance along the way. You can pray for me too!
I'm writing today because I just want to get some things out. I journal write, but there's something about getting the words out on my laptop. So here goes.
I'm struggling a bit with what to do at this point in my life. I've been told by my doctor to go stop working for pupose of getting Social Security Disability. I desperately want to continue to work, but realize there are true limitations that are caused by my health. I've evaluated my household income and feel that we will be okay while awaiting SSA's determination. Just ok although. Not great or even a little bit better than ok. I would have to decrease some of the things in my life and I know things have no true value when considering peace of mind. Right now, I just don't know what to do!