I'm Back

Good morning! I am back. I have been away for some while now. It was not intentional at all. It seems that I have been busy, but ask me what it has been that kept me so busy and I wouldn't be able to offer you an answer. I am doing pretty well healthwise. I am taking the daily injection of Copaxone and functioning pretty well. I do some days forget to take it. You would think with something being such a huge part of my life, I could never forget it. Some days are just jammed packed for me. I stopped school yet another time to just regain some focus in a couple of areas - mainly career. Thankfully I have regained it and will be signing up for classes again soon. I feel good and am in a good place in the areas of spirituality, home and career. I am working on me - being a better version of me. In doing so I have decided that health and well-being is important. God is so good to me. He has been for my entire life! I need to be more and do more. I can be more and do more. It's funny how it doesn't even take much to make a difference in someone else's life yet for so long the only lives that I made a difference in was mines and those close to me intentionally.  Finances and savings are also important to me now more than ever. I have a lot on my mind as you can read. I am back!

Watch What You Say To Me!

The words of others make an incredible impact on one's life. I’ve always heard how we should be mindful about the things we speak over ourselves because there is power in our words. I’ve read scripture in the Bible about it even. I try to be very mindful of such. However, when others say things, we have no control over them. Just the other day a coworker of mines spoke some words to me and I am still yet, a couple of days later impacted by them.

It was Monday and I was having a good day. I resolved to look at Mondays as the blessing that they are some time ago as opposed to “Dreadful Monday.” I had a bounce in my step (even though it was a little too far off to the right – balance issues). I was going through my day in a wonderful way. I passed by her office and she and I started a conversation. She mentioned the fact that I could be having more relapses here lately because I was trying to do too much. I mentioned the fact that if I started doing less, I would begin to feel ill more often according to past times. I think part of the reason that I am able to still do as much as I do in spite of MS is because I WANT to do it. I think sometimes there is a mental component to any diagnosis. Her comment caused a whirlwind of thoughts to flood my mind and they still do. It made me question what I it exactly that I am actually doing. Am I making a great effort at being great or am I making a bad attempt to make things look as if they are okay when they are in fact not so okay? Should I be home in bed or at least relaxing and not worrying about the day to day stress of trying to do my job in order to make my life easier? Could my health be in a better condition if I stayed home and lived off of social security disability benefits? These are all questions that flood my mind right now. All of it started with a few well intentioned (I hope) words of a coworker. She said them and probably had forgotten them just as soon as she said them, but they stick with me still yet – even today. I just wish we could censor what others put out. I know I have the personal choice of how I let what others say impact but, but just to be able to require others to think about even simple statements they make would be awesome.

MS Did It!!!

I recently found myself explaining a mistake I made by using my Multiple Sclerosis (MS) diagnosis as the blame. I think it is easier to blame things on MS than to just deal with any other causes. I mean I forgot because I have all of these lesions on my brain some of which are active right now as we speak makes me feel so much better. I never wanted to become the person that justified things because of something else. I get disappointed at times when others do it and yet here I was doing it. I forgot to get my paperwork from your office, just because I have a million other things on my mind would have been more of a true statement than for me to blame it on MS which may or may not be the actual cause. I came home and went straight to bed because I wanted to as opposed to I do have MS and some days just don’t have any energy left may not go over as well with my family. I ordered take-out for dinner because I didn’t want to dirty up my kitchen tonight does not sound as nice as I think I am having a flare up. Now I honestly don’t fake MS symptoms and if it truly feels like I am in a flare I will let my family and friends know it. I just didn’t want to be that person that told all that she is enduring to others as an explanation of my shortcomings. I am glad that most of those around me know a good bit about MS and the fact that it sometimes does cause things to go awry. So from now on I am making a conscious effort to not blame it on MS!

The Blame Game

Good morning! In attempt to write more it seems that I write less. Bah humbug!

My health is not the best. I am thankful though that I have not had to endure any hospital stays. I have gone through another prednisone phase. Thankfully, it helped some. I still recognize symptoms of a flare up, but I still carry on. I am given this day so I will do what I can do this day.

I have been thinking a lot lately. I think about all of the things in life that I wanted to do, but didn't do. For each situation I found blame in someone or something else. It's no one or nothing's fault. It is my fault. I am the one who prevented me from doing whatever. I think it makes us feel better to have someone else to place the blame on. It let's us off the hook. No excuse. It was my fault. My next plan of action is to write out all the things that I wanted to do and examine whether or not it is something that I want to go back and revisit or just write completely off.

Think about your own life. Is there something that you haven't done and need to do, but blame is preventing you from doing it?

Thursday Morning Thoughts!!!

I am here because of the Lord. I am very thankful for that! I have been experiencing some health issues due to MS. I am just getting through yet another relapse. At first, I was kind of depressed about it, but realized  that I am still HERE. It is because of my still being here that I can only be  thankful and happy.

My latest relaspe rendered me very unsteady on my feet (just had one in June of this year so this one kind of suprised me). I was literally bouncing off the walls at home and at work. I went out and purchased my very first cane. It has helped tremendously. I carry it everywhere I go now. It just so happens to be kind of trendy too. I remember years ago when my mom had to first use one. It was kind of unsightly as well as pretty heavy. The one that I purchased kind of has a pinkish tint to it. It is very light weight and I kind of just zoom through whenever I am using it. I am thankful that this didn't send me into deep depression or anything of that sort. I am just happy at the little bit of independence it further allows me.

I have been trying to eat better and exercise a little more. It was going pretty good. I think I kind of got off track when the doctor prescribed prednisone to help with my most recent exacerbation. It wasn't because of the medicine causing an increase in my appetite, but it was me causing an increase in my appetite. You know how sometimes when you know the potential side effects of a drug, you experience the side effect simply because you know of it. I know that prednisone has caused me to have an increased appetite in the past so I kind of increased it myself in eating whatever I wanted to eat and blamed it on the prednisone mentally. That was my fault. I can't place the blame on the medicine there. I feel better and actually have more energy from the workout videos I was doing. I stopped doing them once my balance had gotten so bad that I risked tumbling over. Hopefully in the days to come, I can start back. It is much cooler here and I am thankful for that. I am going to start walking in the mornings before work. It is extremely hard for me to get out of the house when I get home from work. I figure if I do it first thing in the morning, by the time things come up to distract me or stop me, it will be already done. We will see how it goes. I had lost eight pounds, but am sure to have gained some of that back. Getting back on track as I type and chew on my 15 almonds for my mid-morning snack.

This is just a side note. The other night my heart was so very heavy. I was worried about a few things that I didn't know any easy solution for (actually I didn't even know a hard solution). I prayed to the Lord that night and drifted off to sleep. When I woke up, I was so much lighter. I thank God that he knows us. He loves us. He is our Father and only wants good for us. I didn't and still don't know the answers to some of the problems, but I find comfort in knowing that God has all of the answers. I trust Him and know that everything will be just fine! Nothing is too big for Him and because of that, I find peace. I love the Lord. I am so thankful to be a child of His. Whatever you may be facing, be it a health situation, marital, financial, anything no that He can handle it. Just give it to Him and walk away knowing that it will be taken care of.

Getting Back To Me!

I type this as I sit under the hairdryer awaiting my freshly "homemade" wrapped hair to dry. I haven't done this in years. This would be how all of my  Sunday nights were spent in my teen years at home. I would pamper myself. I would give myself a manicure and pedicure early in the evening and finish up by washing and doing my hair. This probably was how I spent three years worth of Sunday evenings. I went away to college and my Sundays mostly consisted of driving back to Columbia. I eventually moved off campus and quickly picked the routine back up. Whenever I would travel home, I would still make time for my ritual. Somewhere along the way, I dropped the habit off. I didn't pick the nail habits back up today, but I did wash my hair and am now here under this terribly hot dryer. I had forgotten until just a moment ago how I used to do this every week. I now have gotten in the routine of paying $45 every two weeks for a wash and style or $60 on weeks when my hair needs to be relaxed. I used to even do my own relaxers. Now I am afraid to even pick the boxes up to start. It's amazing to me how a tradition that I did for so long could just vanish so quickly. I had a good day today. I visited my mom, brother and still made it back to attend a function at Michael's school. I now sit here under the dryer typing away and enjoying my one indulgence of the day - a bowl of ice cream. I will have to create another post discussing my newest attempt at the South Beach Diet (which I still am on by the way) and my latest good moments, trials and tribulations with MS.

Random Thoughts!

            I have so many things on mind. Where do I start? I am feeling better. I had another stay at the hospital, but I am better now and moving right along. I went to my second MS support group meeting last night and feel that they are such a positive experience. There was a good mix of people. We had a roundtable discussion about various things. It was funny because the facilitator kind of had a hard time keeping us all on track. I think our each of our brains were doing it’s own thing. We would hear the question and answer a part of it, but then go in a completely different direction. It was funny now that I think about it. I am sure it wasn’t as funny for the facilitator, but she has MS too so I think she understood. I am contemplating a few things in my mind right now considering the future. I worry about the day that I need to file for social security. Each day something happens to make feel that the date I need to leave the workworld is moving closer and closer. School is about to start up again for Michael. He will be in the 12 grade this year. It is hard to believe how fast time has gone. This is a lot of rambling it seems, but that’s how things flow in and out of my mind so I think it proper to write them just like they are! Hope you’re having a great day!