Saturday, November 13, 2010

The Unthinkable

Since the last time I posted anything, I lost my dad. He passed away last Saturday. I was with him. I have never known there to be such an exact process to death. I was told when he was put on hospice that he would pass, but I did not know it would be this soon. In looking back now, I do know although that there were signs along the way. I read up on dying and death a lot in the last couple of weeks and being in denial, I didn't even see that which I was reading about. I read that his skin would be cool to the touch (it was), I read that his eyes might turn yellow (they did), I read that he would sleep more (it was constant near the end) and I just didn't want to see it, but he was dying right before my eyes. I love my daddy with all my heart. I am the picture of a daddy's little girl. I prayed all along that he wouldn't be alone if anything were to happen and he wasn't. I thank God for that. Although, many thought he endured a lot and "suffered." I think what he did was give my brother and I more time to deal with not having him around.

I have been dealing with things better than expected these past few days. I don't know what to do with myself now that I don't have to go by the hospital to see my dad. Many have told me that they don't see how I am able to deal with and handle things as well as I am and I simply think it's because of my faith. I know that there is a heaven and I believe that he is much better now. He doesn't have surgeries, infection after infection, feeding tubes or ventilators to worry about. He doesn't have anything to worry about at all now and because of that I am thankful. During his funeral, I smiled a lot as well as when I ever I think about him. Not many are able to do so. I have now got to make sure my life is in order so that one day we can be together. I love him so much and will never ever forget him, for it is because of him, I am who I am today.

My MS was at bay pretty much. I didn't over exert myself and I must say I wasn't stressed at all. I thank God for my family as crazy as each of us individually is. My hometown is where my daddy was buried at the church he grew up in. It is about two hours away from where I live. We travelled there (my husband, son and I) and stayed with my brother. I intended to come back to Columbia on Thursday and go to work. When I got out of bed on Thursday morning, it felt as if an 18-wheeler had run over me. I called out on Thursday from work and went in on yesterday. I was there physically, but mentally I wasn't. I am going in this morning to make up for yesterday and hopefully things will be alright concerning my work.


  1. Oh Tammy, I'm sorry for your loss.

    My father was a hospice graduate, which just meant that it took longer for him to actually die. Luckily he was able to spend that time at home. But being in bed is not easy for a once active man.

    When he did finally die, I was ready, as you were, because we each had time to prepare. And our daddies are in a better place.

  2. Thank you so much Webster. You are so right. It is only because I know that my daddy is in a better place that I am able to still function. Thank you so much for your comforting words!!!