Holidays 2010

I said before I even started to type that this would not be an entry in which I complained. I am thankful to be alive and healthy enough to still be functioning. Christmas 2010 was pretty good. I didn't get the chance to go home to see my mom because I am dead smack in what I hope is the end or at least the middle of a relapse. I am having problems with the left side of my face. I guess that makes sense because the lesions on my brain from MS are in the right temporal lobe region. I am well so I am ok. I just wish that these relapses would be nonexistant. I guess I could increase the chances of them being so by taking my Betaseron shot as I am supposed to and not when I feel like I need to. I simply hate that they make me feel, act and just plain make me dumb. I have asked others whether or not their MS drug of choice "dumbs them down" and a couple of people have agreed. I thank God for the wisdom he has given me. I hate being a complete idiot in regards to something that I know a great deal about just because I am preventing a relapse. Call me crazy or whatever you want to, it just doesn't make me feel very good. I look forward to the New Year. I don't think I am going to make any grand New Year's Resolutions. I may, but I may not. Thankfully, I don't have any school work as we have three weeks off before the new semester starts. Considering that I am at work and the fact that I left some of my brain at home still in bed this morning I will end here. I just wish I was a millionaire sometimes and work wouldn't be as important to me nor would the fear of waiting for social security to tell me whether or not I am going to be able to pay my bills and continue to live without having to go on government assistance as I await a determination of whether they feel I am eligible to not work anymore.

MS Makes Certain Things Clear To Me!!!

I have had my MS diagnosis for some time now. What I do know for sure is what I can and can not do. I also know that although we have made great strides in finding a cure for this terrible disease, we have a long way to go. I also know that some days will undoubtedly be better than others. I know that some people will never understand and for every one that won't, there will be two who won't even care enough to understand it. I know that although they will never say it, my loved ones sometimes get tired of the fact that I am in bed at 6 o'clock on a Saturday night, of the fact that I don't won't to nor probably could walk the entire mall or the fact that I know longer can do some of my favorite things because I have either forgotten or just can't do them any longer. I am 33 years old. I should be living it up, right? I mean I have never really travelled or done many fascinating things. I like to read so books take me away to distance places, but that's about it. Haven't been to the museum in years. The last movie I saw was in black in white. LOL - just kidding with that one, but it honestly feels like years ago. I don't even really go out to eat a lot at nice restaurants. I will admit that my family and I will drive thru somewhere pretty frequently to pick up a bite, but that is because I don't feel like cooking and we have to eat to stay alive. These are all personal choices. I have turned down many opportunities to do these things. Why? I really am tired. My tiredness isn't like the regular person's tiredness it is cruel and unusual. I feel like I am toting people around on my back sometimes - maybe a mother and her 2 year old or perhaps the father. It is truly something. With all of that being said, I am however, thankful for the good days. Happy about times when I feel like I don't even have MS. I am thankful for those people who call me at 12:45 am to tell me they just heard some good news in MS research. I am thankful to be alive. I am thankful that I can still walk, talk and see. I am thankful for a lot, but those were a few things that are certainly clear to me!

Busyness

It has been some time since I posted anything. I have been busy with everything and nothing at the same time. I do miss my little outlet that blogging provides. I have been busy with life. I have been working, doing the home life/wife/mother thing, doing school work, still mourning my dad's death and just being. I think work, although it's only eight hours a day, is the most time consuming thing in my life right now. When I am away from work, I think about my return to work and all that it involves. My job isn't important by the world's standards, but any job that pays my bills are important by my standards and because of that, I take it very seriously. I must say too although that I can't wait to be off for the Christmas holidays come next Thursday. Also, our time starts all over again on January 1st as far as vacation and sick time. Two weeks vacation and six sick days is what I will be entitled too and I am so happy about that. I wonder what I am going to do upon completing my schooling as I certainly would hate to leave this company. I don't think there is any room for a counselor at a law firm, but we will cross that bridge when we get there. I think I am having a harder time now than I did in the beginning regarding my dad's death. Of course I think of him all the time, but it seems as of lately, I am having some problems with the fact that he is not here. I have problems with the fact that I have all these things I want to tell him, but am unable to. I will be making a trip to my hometown soon to see my mom, my brother and of course out to the cemetary. I used to write a whole lot more than I do now, but I will be returning to that as soon as possible. I think that will help me some, but I guess there is nothing like the loss of a loved one. I have endured death as an adult, my grandparents and a cousin as well as a few other deaths, but none have quite affected me like this one. I think about my daddy every single day at least every single hour. I miss him so much. So much of the last year and a half was spent with him alone at the hospitals and now it's all over. I am so much happier for him being at peace and all, but it leaves a void. I pray and I actually talk to him sometimes. It's hard, but I know I am and will continue to be. My dad used to say "As sure as we're born, we all must die." In the first few days after his death, that was a constant tune in my head - My hearing him say that. All in all, I am okay. Just busy. Sometimes, I think oh wow, I am so busy and I will be doing absolutely nothing. I guess it's more mental than anything. I'm good though - miss my writing here so I will hopefully be back on it!!!

Perspective

I hope everyone's Thanksgiving was wonderful. Mines was okay. I had an accident trying to avoid hitting a golden retriever mix. I didn't hit him thankfully (despite everyone telling me I should have, I am glad I didn't), he is alive and so am I and so is the driver of the other car involved in the accident. My right legged jammed into the dash board and I am having some problems walking from that, but I am still alive. My Thanksgiving Day was kind of blemished by the accident, but I lived. I had so many things that I wanted to do presentation wise as far as my dinner went, but never got a chance to do because of the time it took to get things straightened out at the scene of the accident. It looks like my car may be a total loss and I have to get another one, but I am okay with all of that as I am still alive. It could have been worse:), but thankfully it wasn't!

Midweek Blues

I am so tired, I could sleep until Monday it seems if I were to go right now. I am okay although. My heart misses my daddy like crazy, but again I know he is in a better place so because of that I still am able to find peace. I know when I get home tonight, I won't be doing a whole lot of anything. I know today is Wednesday, but yesterday felt like it ought to have been Friday. I don't know what it is. I have not been doing anything out of the ordinary. I know what MS fatigue is all about, but still normally there is some event or action on my part that brings about the fatigue. I guess perhaps mental exertion could have some role in all of this. Either way, I hope tomorrow is a more energy filled day. I guess we will see.

The Unthinkable

Since the last time I posted anything, I lost my dad. He passed away last Saturday. I was with him. I have never known there to be such an exact process to death. I was told when he was put on hospice that he would pass, but I did not know it would be this soon. In looking back now, I do know although that there were signs along the way. I read up on dying and death a lot in the last couple of weeks and being in denial, I didn't even see that which I was reading about. I read that his skin would be cool to the touch (it was), I read that his eyes might turn yellow (they did), I read that he would sleep more (it was constant near the end) and I just didn't want to see it, but he was dying right before my eyes. I love my daddy with all my heart. I am the picture of a daddy's little girl. I prayed all along that he wouldn't be alone if anything were to happen and he wasn't. I thank God for that. Although, many thought he endured a lot and "suffered." I think what he did was give my brother and I more time to deal with not having him around.

I have been dealing with things better than expected these past few days. I don't know what to do with myself now that I don't have to go by the hospital to see my dad. Many have told me that they don't see how I am able to deal with and handle things as well as I am and I simply think it's because of my faith. I know that there is a heaven and I believe that he is much better now. He doesn't have surgeries, infection after infection, feeding tubes or ventilators to worry about. He doesn't have anything to worry about at all now and because of that I am thankful. During his funeral, I smiled a lot as well as when I ever I think about him. Not many are able to do so. I have now got to make sure my life is in order so that one day we can be together. I love him so much and will never ever forget him, for it is because of him, I am who I am today.

My MS was at bay pretty much. I didn't over exert myself and I must say I wasn't stressed at all. I thank God for my family as crazy as each of us individually is. My hometown is where my daddy was buried at the church he grew up in. It is about two hours away from where I live. We travelled there (my husband, son and I) and stayed with my brother. I intended to come back to Columbia on Thursday and go to work. When I got out of bed on Thursday morning, it felt as if an 18-wheeler had run over me. I called out on Thursday from work and went in on yesterday. I was there physically, but mentally I wasn't. I am going in this morning to make up for yesterday and hopefully things will be alright concerning my work.

Don't know how to call it!!!

I am here. I am just not conscious of it it seems. My daddy is not doing very well. I know a lot of bad father stories, I guess I may even know a couple of bad fathers, but I am blessed to say that my daddy has been a great father since the time I was born. I was a premature baby and I am reminded of stories from my youth of how he would go to work at midnight, work all night and stop by the hospital to see every day. His health has been failing over the last few months and each time we see positive results, something negative follows right behind it. This time it is pretty bad and the doctors are suggesting that we have hospice come in. Which means they would stop feeding him and just "keep him comfortable." I don't like the stop feeding him part because it reminds me too much of perishing a person to death. Our mother has been under hospice care four times in the past and each time she makes an astonishing recovery. I have faith that my father may do it, but the doctors keep pushing the quality of his life and what he has endured and what they look forward to him enduring. I don't want him to suffer. I don't know what to do at this point and that's why I am leaning on the Lord. He is my source of strength and wisdom right now.

I must say that while enduring all of this, I kind of forgot that I have MS. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

One of Those Days

I don't know if it is me or if everyone around me is going through some kind of PMS or if they had a cranky pill this morning or what. I know as women we have our moments, but here at work today I am having to stop and pause, regain my composure and keep moving. One coworker has shown me a side of her over the past couple of years that makes me want to really just not even talk to her. Some days with her are better than the others so I deal with her accordingly. Another one is of the menopause age and although she is on hormone medication has her days too. It is really bad today with everyone it seems which makes me question whether it is me. I don't claim to be perfect, but wow!  I am a very calm, mild mannered person so when this happens it takes me aback. It seems since my MS diagnosis, I am not able to handle things of this sort as well as I used to. I don't know if it has nothing to do with the MS or just that I have gotten older and have no time for the nonsense, but whatever it is it is really taking the God in me to sit down and remember to love everybody.

Did I Make This Up?

I know it can not be so and I know that this post won't give me a whole lot of answers, but I am just wondering about a little theory I have. I think weather changes has a role in my day to day health with MS. On days when the temperature changes more than five or so degrees from the day before, my body reacts awkwardly. It's like I endure some sort of mini-relapse that lasts until my body gets used to the new temperatures (usually a couple of days) which is usually a couple of days. I wonder what that is about....hmmmm!!! My brother also has MS and he seems to agree. When we talk on the phone on certain days where there is a change in the weather, I can detect in his voice that he isn't feeling his best. Of course I bring up my theory and finally now he says there may be something to it. Do either of you with MS experience this?

Slowing down...finally!!!

Oh how I have wanted to write (type). I have just been super busy here lately. I haven't really had time to slow down and smell the roses. Things are finally slowing down to a point where I can see the light at the end of that tunnel. My dad is still about the same. My mom is doing pretty goood thankfully!!! My own health is simply a reflection of my life these days. Super busy means more fatigue and the like. I don't have a whole lot more to add right now.... I feel like saying bah humbug - not sure why, but it felt good:)! Have a good day - On purpose!!!

Tired, drained, pooped!!!

I have been running full speed ahead in my mind for so long here the last couple of weeks that now it has begun to show in my health. I knew I was doing a lot, but still - it had to be done. I have been working of course (full and part time jobs), trying to deal with school related stuff, my dad had four seizures consecutively while still yet healing from all the other major stuff he has had to endure, having things come up that not necessarily cause me to worry, but cause concern. Despite all of that, I know where my help comes from and because of that, I have kept most of my sanity. My body although is tired, my mind is not focusing as well as it usually does and to top it all off, I have the beginnings of a cold :(. 

I am okay though. It is because I know what these things mean that I will take this weekend as a do nothing weekend. I went to the grocery store on two occasions earlier this week so I don't have to go grocery shopping this weekend. I also do have to go to the social security administration building here in town to get a new social security card for myself today (which will probably take no less than a month to be seen and dealt with, but it's okay hopefully I will be able to read while there).

I'm tired and all I want to do is curl up in my bed and just be for a while. Not very long, just a little while. When my body speaks, I now listen!!!

Just when....

Just when one thinks they are on a path to doing well, BAM! That's okay though because I know that with triumphs come hardships. The God that is head of my life is wonderful! All things (ALL THINGS) work together for the good of us who love Him. I know that. My dad is not doing well again. They have had to put him back on the ventilator. His heart's rhythm was off along with other things some serious and some not so much. I am and we all are praying that God's will be done. Period. That's it!  I spoke with my mom on the phone today. That is a milestone! I hadn't heard her voice in months and it did my heart so good to simply speak to her. I would ask her questions and she answered  as if it was 1991 when her health was much better. It is through her that I get a first hand picture of what life with Multiple Sclerosis can and will be. She is a fighter. She has been through many storms and yet is still the jovial mother I remember from my childhood. MS has over the years taken her ability to walk, talk (at times), move her limbs, and do anything other than look and watch the world pass her by, but she is still here and alive and she has the most amazing smile on her face while lying in bed most days. I love my parents at 33 like I did at the age of 3. They are everything to me. Without them I would be nothing (literally).

On other fronts everything is going well. I am going back to school soon, working a job and a half and doing quite well. When stress approaches I just turn the other cheek and am pretty okay normally. I have come to realize that I don't have to fix, handle, deal with every situation in my life. When my mom used to say turn it over to the Lord, it was for a reason.

Living

The last few days have been filled with things that cause me to pause a little. That is why I haven't even really been on the internet.. I have a lot to catch on in reading as well. My son's aunt (he is technically my stepson so his mom's sister) passed and I have been really dealing with all that pertains to that. He lost his mom when he was seven. She died in the same way as his mom, in her sleep. It is a heartaching situation period, but even more because of the pain I know he felt when his mom passed being reignited in a way that had not been done since her death. I know he hurts from the loss of his mother and it hurts my heart simply to know what more he must be going through now. I have also been dealing with the doctors at the hospital "harrassing" me again about my dad's health. It seems where he has been on the iv feedings for so long, it has wreaked havoc on his liver. I know a good God. Any time I ask my dad if he has more fight, he lets me know in subtle ways that he does and because of that I can't authorize the hospital to change his status. I just can't do it. It feels like they want me to committ murder. I know my dad has a troublesome road ahead, but he is a fighter. I just can't give up if he doesn't want me too. Simple and plain. He has been in the hospital for a very long time. I just wish they understood better where I am coming from. My birthday was yesterday and it was a rather stressful period that all stems from my inability to say no to certain things. I am a nurturer and helper by nature. If there is a need, I try to help in one way or the other. I am better at saying no to frivolous things and requests now than I used to be and am saying no on a more frequent, consistent basis. I feel bad about it at first, but do have to learn to take care of myself. MS is a serious illness and although I feel okay, I know what all can happen in the event that I don't do like I should. I must say with the events of this week, I haven't been doing what I know to do, but am praying for strength to make it through all that's going on and remind myself to simply breathe here and there. It will work out I know, thankfully!

Some Things I Am Figuring Out!

I have been busy the last couple of days and I take busy-ness as it is. I have been feeling okay. Not great, not terrible. I have started to really see how one's mindset is a determining factor on so many different levels. As you know a couple of weeks back, I changed my own mindset. I have been more conscious of the fact that I am a child of God. He only wants what's best for me. My Father is all powerful. That is enough for me not to worry, not to be stressed. I promise you that the new thought processes that I have adapted make for a better life for me. I feel so much lighter and free when I don't have the burden of worrying on my shoulders. My dad is still yet holding on by the grace of the good Lord. I just found out that one of my uncle's passed back home. I don't know all of the details quite yet, but need to make some calls at lunch to find out more. I remember my parents and grandparents always saying every year takes out it's number. They meant that in the months of November and December, the amount of deaths would seem to increase. This year we haven't dealt with the loss of loved ones on a consistent basis. I am praying for strength for my aunt and for the strength of all of us who loved him. I have to get up to see them all.


Everything has been going fairly well and again I attribute that too my new onlook on things. Yesterday morning I stepped on the curtains at one of the windows to my double windows in my bedroom. That caused the rods, therefore the curtains, to all fall from both windows down to the floor. When I attempted to pick them up they actually had come off the rod. Bah humbug!!! I was livid for a second, but quickly paused and said thank you Lord for I don't know what the reason You have for my having to slow down this morning, but I am ever so thankful for You know best. I put them up well enough to go to work. Usually, I am anal about getting things back in place, but this morning I noticed they were still hanging up there willie nillie and didn't even stop to fix it. Every thing is well and it has taken me 33 years to get to this place of peace. I am loving it!!!!

Perception is everything!

Yesterday, I started walking at the track across from my apartment complex. It was so nice and rejuvenating to be out in the crisp morning air on a pretty day. It was probably about 82 degrees as it was still early in the day. I felt good. I made a conscious effort to absorb the experience and it was grand. I walked for about 35 minutes. I was going to do at least an hour, but because I started to feel numbness in my left leg. I walked off the track a little earlier than I had anticipated. I was able to get out and do something.

Later in the day, I felt like a Mack truck had hit me and I was regretting my earlier decision to get out and get moving. It was like I had ran a marathon. I decided after feeling this way, I would not walk again. It wasn't until I was climbing into bed last night that I realized, I have spent days walking for hours at WalMart and doing other things. Although, I felt terrible later in the day yesterday. I just need to tweak things a little. I can start walking in the evening, therefore when I am done, I can shower and relax a little without having other tasks to attend to. I just can't give up after one day. I have to do this for my health. There are a number of people who are counting on my being alive and I need not do anything to rush my life on away. I have stopped buying, therefore eating, sweets. That is a very hard thing for me. I may have mentioned this before, but sugar is more addictive than cocaine. WOW!!! I am doing it one day at a time and it is truly a struggle. Some days, I must admit having lost.

I was off of work for a total of four days and was oh so ready to get back here this morning. Today hasn't been as bad as I anticipated (thank God). There isn't a whole, whole lot of work for me to catch up on, but it's been enough to keep me busy. Which is a good thing when racing thoughts that won't quit appear. Well, my lunch hour is officially over. I will return to work and await the 5 o'clock hour.

It depends on how you(I) see it

A lot has happened over the last few days. I am in a good place. My health is well. Everything on the home front, job front and all fronts overall are well. I am living my life, going through the daily grind. Well, last week, I had a bit of shakiness to come in like a small earthquake. Instead of responding to it, like I would in earlier days, I handled it like it should have been handled. Although, it threatened to change this new evolution of the woman I am becoming, the woman I need to have long ago been, it didn’t. My husband pulled a ploy to get back into my life. This ploy, albeit serious, was one in which I realized I love him to death, but honestly am not in love with him. At least right now. I am tired. You know when you’ve done all you can do, all you should do and you are at the point of no return? I think I am at that point and although, I love him and would do anything for him, it is time for me to put me first at least for now. I will never close the door on what can happen tomorrow or even in the next minute, but for right now – I am done. I continue on executing the I am done plan and we will see what tomorrow truly does hold.

Finally Able to Relax

Good morning! It is Friday. The weekend is here. I had a good week, thankfully. I was very busy. I now know for sure when I start my part time job. I am excited about going back to that infamous job. It has been a while. There are people there that I haven't seen in a while so it should be good. I do think a little about the effect of working another four hours a day on top of my normal eight will have on me. I think it will be okay because it is just sitting down on and talking on the phone. I don't talk that much on the telephone at home and home is a more relaxed setting, but it is not like I am lifting heavy blocks for four hours straight. The good thing about this job is that it is very flexible. Sometimes too flexible, but I am positive all in all.

The temperatures or slowly declining here in SC and I want to do a little dance every time I hear the weather report now. I simply can't tolerate the heat. Thinking back on my childhood, my heat tolerance went out the window at about the age of 10 or 11. Before then, I could stay in it all day and play extemely hard while in it, but I remember that all changed at around 10ish.

My days are way less stressful these days. I of course am thankful for that as well. One of my favorite quotes is the one about doing something different to get something new. I am applying it to my daily life in small steps. I am truly a work in progress! My husband and stepson are engaging in activities that weeks ago would have me headed into a relapse head on from the stress of worrying and trying to control the situations, but I realize now that my life is not about what they do. I can only control my own actions. Both of them are very intelligent men (man and young man I should say), they know what they are doing and they just have to deal with the consequences of their actions in the event that there are some. Thankfully, they are not doing anything illegal I must say.

I head toward my weekend reading The South Beach Diet again and thinking about giving two weeks of my sugar filled life up to start a positive change. I have a lot going on in this head of mines that I purposely want going on right now, lol. Sometimes since MS, I don't control what's going on, but today, right now - I do!!! My plan is to just chill and relax for a minute.

A Better Day

I woke up a little tired today. I was in bed earlier this morning pondering about the things I have to do today and a flood of worries overcame me before I even put feet on the floor. I just prayed and asked God to be with me as I go on my journey's way and immediately felt peace. I am getting older. I approach my 33rd birthday in a matter of days and I actually feel like an adult now. It is like all the things that have caused the numerous grays to flood my head were so petty. I mean over the course of my life, I have worried myself sick about things. But God. That is all I needed at the time and even now, I realize what He has done. I know things will come along in my life that just seem to have no answer. I realize although that we serve a good God and He has all power in His hands. I will be okay, you will be okay and we all will be okay. With that being said, I think what do I have to worry about. I need to do what I can do and not worry about any of the rest. All things work together for the good of those who love the Lord, right?

Doing Just Fine

Today is Tuesday and all is pretty good from where I sit. I am glad that it is finally cooling down here. Before too long, it is going to be cold, but that's okay. I have quite a few coats in the closet. Not a lot to report. I am going to the library when I get off work and a close friend is coming by to drop her husband's tax papers off so I can complete them for him. I will go to the hospital later this evening so I will put something in the crock pot too when I get home, which means I have to go to the grocery store first. My life is pretty simple. I have some issues which I am in prayer over and I am trusting that they will all work out. They always do. I look back at some of the hurricanes I have had in my life and they now look like simple rainy days. When you get out the storm, it is always better than when you are right dead smack in the middle of it. Of course! Not a lot going on and that is just the way I plan to give it. The library here is having a week of forgiveness forgiving all fines. Wow, what a blessing to people who have stopped reading due to heavy fines imposed by returning items late and not having enough money to buy themselves that book they wanted to read. I have the books in my car on the front passenger seat that I intend to donate as they are accepting new ones. I am excited about my afternoon of. Hope all goes well. I have decided to go back to USC. I also have decided to stick with my old college and sometimes in my adult life job for the part time gig. I will get started back there next month. Have a great day as I am making a conscious effort to do so!

Progress

Wow, where did this week go. I am going to buy a 2011 calendar soon and make a note in it in the month of March and April that once July comes in, the months start to hightailing it right out of the year. I declare, July is just a blur when I think of it.

The pursuit of a program at a couple of different schools has been quite eye opening. I have stopped the search for now and have made a conscious effort to really think of what I need to be doing. I have had jobs to pay bills, but I feel the need to follow my life's purpose at this point. We will see how that goes and by Monday I hope to have a more chosen pursuit when it comes to schools and programs. USC has never failed me and my heart is with my alma mater, but I just don't know.

I have been looking for jobs as I said I would and I have gotten calls back, thankfully. The problem has been that trainings take place during the hours of my full time job. That is not good. I can't tell the office manager here that I won't be in for the next two weeks because I will be training from 8 to 4 or 9 to 5 on my new job. That is not good. I think I may stick with my old trusty stand by from college and just make some money from there. The freelance typing job didn't pan out because of the color of my skin. I was kind of disappointed, but thankful that the lady was honest with me. Some people just don't get it when it comes to race.

My home life dealt a blow earlier in the week, but my newfound focus on me enabled me to keep moving with little disturbance. Thank God!

As we fastly approach the weekend, I say thank you Lord for letting this week be a good one in every way!!!

I Feel Good

Good morning! It is a fabulous Tuesday and I feel pretty good. I was able to do my research yesterday on several different schools. I was also able to get my resume submitted for a couple of part time jobs. Hopefully, I will start to hear from them. My coworker just informed me of a job for a freelance typist. That would be wonderful because I could do that from home. On the school front, I have to get real with myself and decide what area I want to go in. I already have two degrees and I don't want to add another one without careful consideration. I have a few more hours left on the completion of my master's in cousenling, but the school that I was attending brought questions of the quality of the education I was receiving so I withdrew. A few months after withdrawing, one of the professors (one of my professors) was caught in yet another child molestation case. He had charges in another state before moving to our state and starting to teach! Wow!!! That told me the school didn't do a thorough background check. I don't know if I want to take those credits to another school's cousenling/social work program or not. These are just some thoughts that I am pondering. One of my favorite quotes has always been the one about if you want something new, you have to do something different.

Life Choices

Here it is Monday again. I am contemplating things that I can do to make my life better. I wonder about a lot of things, but the most important things center around family. I worry and care about my mom, dad, brother, husband, son, and inlaws as well as my other relatives. I also worry about what my own personal future holds. I guess I shouldn't use the word word - so I will say care. There has got to be a better way and this week I began another new quest. A quest to get me there - wherever there is! I just know that there is so much to my life than what I am giving so I am going to seek inwardly to find that place and develop it for myself.

The question is how can I make life better for me and therefore for them.

This week I will pursue -

1. Further education
2. Part time job or volunteer opportunities
3. Physical fitness

I could go on with more, but I think it best to start with those 3. I hope this blog serves as a reminder to focus on and finish those areas to completion with plans. We will see what they force me to do.

Today when I get home, I will begin my search online for the education, work and volunteer aspect of this all. Physical fitness actually began this morning as I walked around the track at the high school across the street from my complex.

Let's see what tomorrow brings!!!

Finally Able to Relax!!!

Well, it is Saturday and I was up early again this morning. It wasn't the same 3 o'clock in the morning early, but it was 7 o'clock. I stayed in bed until 8. I refused to get up even to go to the bathroom at 20 minutes til. I enjoyed being there. I purchased new pillows a couple of weeks ago and I made it my purpose to feel them beneath my head. I did. I had fresh sheets on the bed from the morning I couldn't sleep a couple of weeks ago. It was nice to just be there in my bed. I did all the things that were on my list early and I am back home now. I think I will troop back to the hospital later to see my dad. Michael, his dad and I will have dinner after that, but I am glad for this Saturday as I am glad for every day of the week. I had to break down and get another car. I am enjoying it. It is a little sports car and I am enjoying. Have I hit my midlife crisis at 32 - doubtfully so. It was a really good deal, by a maker that I have grown to trust. I deserve it I say. I work hard and I hardly play so I figure on my way to work I should be able to play right :)! I am at a good spot in my life and I thank God for the good and the bad. I am happy right now, just the way I am!!!

Sleep Deprivation

I went to bed early again last night because I was rather tired. I actually was in bed right after 9 I think it was. Well, I slept like a big old baby all night. I woke up about 12:30 and I was laying at the foot of the bed. I don't know how that happened, lol. I then woke up again at 2:30 and have not been back to sleep yet. I have had a lot of life type stuff on my mind here lately so I just worshipped a little while, right where I was. I then read the Bible, cleaned my place, read a nonfiction book that I am reading. It was very good. Now I am about dead - tired. Thankfully tomorrow is Friday. I think tonight I will pick something up for my dinner even though I have some food in the fridge marinating. I don't know I will have to think of that on the ride home - hmmmm to order take out or cook in. I am tired, but the oven can do all the work in honesty. I don't know. I look forward to the weekend. I plan to read some more and rest a little if I can. I wish I could afford to take Monday off, but we will see how that goes.

THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL!

TODAY IS TUESDAY AND TOMORROW IS WEDNESDAY. WOO HOO! ALMOST TO THE MIDWEEK! I SOMETIMES FEEL LIKE I AM RUSHING MY LIFE AWAY AS THEY SAY BECAUSE I HAVE STARTED TO LIVE FOR THE WEEKEND. I DO ENJOY EVERYDAY LIVING, BUT I OH SO ENJOY THE WEEKEND. I ENJOY IT EVEN IF I AM NOT DOING ANYTHING.
I FEEL PRETTY GOOD TODAY. I HAVE STARTED TO EAT BREAKFAST EVERY MORNING NOT JUST SOME MORNINGS. I AM NOT AS HUNGRY WHEN LUNCH TIME COMES SO THAT IS HELPING I AM SURE. I HAVE HEARD FOR YEARS THE IMPORTANCE OF EATING THREE MEALS A DAY. I AM SITTING UPSTAIRS TODAY AS ONE OF MY COWORKERS IS ON VACATION AND I GET TO SEE EVERYTHING WITH MORE CLARITY THAN FROM WHERE I AM NORMALLY. IT IS A BEAUTIFUL DAY SO HOW CAN I NOT BE THANKFUL JUST TO BE HERE (ALIVE) TO ENJOY IT. GOD IS GOOD AND HE LOVES ME! THAT'S ENOUGH!

ON THE MARRIAGE/LOVE LIFE FRONT - EVERYTHING IS GOING WELL AND I AM THANKFUL FOR THE DECISIONS I MADE. MY HUSBAND AND I ARE FRIENDLY ENOUGH TO DISCUSS THINGS CONCERNING MICHAEL AND FAMILY, BUT OTHER THAN THAT, WE KNOW WHERE WE STAND.
I AM OKAY RIGHT NOW. I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OR ANYTHING WORTH COMPLAINING ABOUT, BECAUSE ALL OF MY ISSUES LIE IN MY FATHER'S HANDS.

It used to be oh so simple

Good morning! I am in a sort of tizzy of emotions today. Michael is at his maternal grandmother's and it made things easier for me to do what I am about to type that I did. I had "the talk" with Tony this morning and I told him it was over.

It hurt to do it then and it hurts to even think about the fact that I did it. It took him by suprise as he said he thought everything was alright. I feel just terrible as I saw the 1. Disbelief (he didn't see it coming) 2. Confusion and 3. Hurt in him. We were supposedly back on track and things were working out for the best, but I just couldn't do it. It was hard and I could tell that the stress of making it work was beginning to effect my health. I made sure to have a wonderful LAST night with him and we did, but inside I knew that it had to be the last night. I am hurt because 1. I feel like someone has just died and I killed them (I guess someone has - the couple that we made), 2 I hate hurting others (I would rather just endure most times than to hurt someone) and 3. My life with Michael has to change if not forever at least for a little while so that I can make this happen. Whew - what will today and the days hereafter bring?

She Say She Tired Boss!

I woke up fairly early this morning. I was ready to take on the world, but before I knew it, I was back asleep. Wow! What happened? I went to bed around 10ish. I woke up around 5ish and was like I said back asleep within minutes. Typically, I get up and plunder in stuff making myself feel that I have accomplished something before work. Well, today it didn't happen. As a matter of fact, I was almost late leaving the house. I am just plum tired and it comes with the territory. I almost turned around and called in to work to use a sick day all to go back home. I made it, but boy oh boy. My bed is calling my name. The fact that a spider was sitting on my bed kind of takes away the thrill of using a half day to head back home. It has been gotten rid of, but still. Just hope the strength comes from up high to get me through the rest of the week and hopefully to a relaxing weekend. Sidenote - What can I do to get rid of the never ending spider population at my place?

More money, more problems

It is Monday morning again. I am doing fairly well. It was a little hard to get up this morning, but I am here. I actually did like a little kid today. I got up and sat on the side of the bed and laid the upper portion of my body back down. It felt good for all three minutes that I laid there. It is a cloudy day here and on my way in to work, it was misting rain a little. I am here and that's enough, lol!

My weekend was fairly quiet. Not a whole lot of anything happened. My aunt and my cousin from back home came down. There were a lot of laughs. There wasn't a whole lot of anything else. I put a relaxer in my hair - MYSELF! I was tird of dishing out $50 to $60 for someone else to do. I took my time and it came out pretty well. I was extra careful with it. I remember in high school, I used to do my own all the time. It was like when I went away to college maybe my junior year, I stopped. Why? I can't tell you. I am happy with the way it looks this morning. It turned out pretty well.

I think what started me to going to the salon on a more regular basis was my thinking that it wasn't good enough the way I did it at home. That I needed to get it done in a salon and moreover that I deserved it. What? Back when I was in college a touch up relaxer and a style ran $35 so you would think I deserved to save a little money moreso than to go to the salon. I did a fairly wonderful job of it at home. Now I could have gone in for the hair cut and for some fabulous style for a fabulous event, but not every two weeks as I had become accustomed to.

I think with more money, one spends more money honestly. I mean I heard this from a lot of people and actually have read it in several different places over the years -"When you make more, it takes more." I hold it to be true. It seems like when ever my pay has increased, my lifestyle has also. I am a pretty simple girl who truly understands the value of a dollar. When I was in high shool, I had a job at the age of 14 and my parents gave me money to get the necessities of life, yet I went from needing a little to needing more. I don't know what it is about our culture that makes us need more. I am approaching my 33rd birthday and my theme this year is to save half of what I make. Is it possible. I believe so. We will see how this theme works, but I assure you there will be no trips, extravagant meals out, or some of the other nice luxuries I enjoy. With that being said, I had better start thinking on a nice trip right before my birthday and splurge one last time at Bath & Body Works for a while!

Fatigue!!!

GOOD MORNING! IT IS FRIDAY AND THE WEEKEND IS UPON US. I DON'T HAVE MANY MAJOR PLANS, BUT I DO PLAN TO RELAX AND LAY LOW AS MUCH AS I CAN. MICHAEL'S SISTER IS HAVING A GOING AWAY CELEBRATION AT ONE OF THE LOCAL PARKS SO HE AND I WILL ATTEND THAT ON SATURDAY, BUT THAT IS ABOUT AS MUCH AS I AM GOING TO DO. I WILL VISIT WITH MY DAD OF COURSE AND I WOULD LIKE TO GO UP AGAIN TOMORROW TO VISIT MAMA, BUT I AM NOT SURE YET ABOUT THAT. IT DEPENDS ON HOW I FEEL FOR THE MOST PART I GUESS.



HOME LIFE WAS QUIET LAST NIGHT. WE ALL CAME BACK TO THE APARTMENT AND I WENT STRAIGHT TO BED. I DIDN'T REALIZE IT, BUT I WAS EXHAUSTED. I WAS ON A CALL YESTERDAY HERE AT WORK WITH AN INSURANCE REP. THE CALL WAS ABOUT 30 MINUTES LONG. WHEN WE WERE DONE, SHE SAID "HONEY, YOU MAKE SURE YOU GET SOME REST THIS WEEKEND." I TOLD HER I WOULD, BUT ASKED HER WHY SHE THOUGHT I NEEDED SOME. SHE SAID I CAN HEAR HOW TIRED YOU ARE IN YOUR VOICE. THAT SUPRISED ME BECAUSE I FELT FINE, BUT AS SOON AS SHE SAID IT AND AS SOON AS I HUNG UP THE PHONE WITH HER, IT SEEMS LIKE THE HEAVIEST WEIGHT FELL UPON ME. I WAS SO TIRED THAT THE REST OF MY DAY WAS IMPACTED BY IT. SO MUCH SO THAT WHEN I WALKED IN THE DOOR OF THE APARTMENT, I FLOATED OFF TO BED AND DID NOT GET BACK UP UNTIL THIS MORNING AT THE SOUND OF THE ALARM. I AM TIRED, JUST PLAIN OLD TIRED. IS IT MULTIPLE SCLEROSIS THAT IS CAUSING ALL OF THIS TIREDNESS, PERHAPS, BUT I THINK A LOT OF IT COMES FROM MY MENTAL STATE OF THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS. IT COMES FROM A LOT OF THINKING. I HAVE DECIDED TO TAKE WEBSTER'S ADVICE AND DO NOTHING FOR A WHILE. IT MAY BE A LITTLE LATE WHEN IT COMES TO MY HUSBAND AND MICHAEL COMING TO LIVE WITH ME, BUT THE THINGS THAT I HAVE CHANGED ABOUT MYSELF WILL NOT CHANGE WITH THEM BEING THERE. HE HAS BEEN APPROVED FOR YET ANOTHER HOME LOAN AND WANTS ME TO GO LOOK AT HOUSES WITH ME. THOSE THAT ARE CLOSEST TO ME KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT HOME OWNERSHIP. IT IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME AND THIS WOULD BE TIME TO GET THE CAR GASED UP TO GO LOOKING, BUT I JUST DON'T FEEL INTO IT. I DON'T KNOW IF IT IS BECAUSE OF THE HEAT AND ALL THAT IT ENTAILS FINDING A GREAT HOME, THE MEANING OF JOINING HIM IN HOUSEHOOD AGAIN, OR THE LOSS OF MY "FREEDOM." ALSO THERE IS MY DREAM OF BUILDING A HOME ON MY PARENT'S LAND. WHO KNOWS WHERE TOMORROW WILL TAKE US, BUT WE WILL SEE.

SIDENOTE - I RECEIVED AN EMAIL OF HOW MY BLOG MAY NOT BE UPLIFTING AND ENCOURAGING OTHERS. IT WAS ABOUT HOW BLOGS WERE TO INSPIRE AND GUIDE. I DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE PREVIOUSLY SAID THIS OR NOT. I AM DOING THIS FOR ME! RIGHT NOW IT IS FOR "ME" AND IS AN ONLINE JOURNAL OF "MY" THOUGHTS FOR "ME", THAT I AM HAPPY TO SHARE AND OPEN UP TO ANYONE WHO HAPPENS UPON IT. I AM SORRY THAT IT IS NOT AS DEEP OR PHILOSOPHICAL AS SHE WOULD HAVE LIKE, BUT IT IS FOR "ME" AND WHAT I CAN GAIN FROM IT. I NEED IT RIGHT TO BE WHAT IT IS RIGHT NOW FOR "ME". I PERHAPS WILL REACH A POINT WHERE I CAN UPLIFT AND INSPIRE OTHERS, BUT RIGHT NOW I NEED IT FOR ME. HERE IS THE WORD THAT I NOTICE I USE A LOT, BUT IF IT IS "SELFISH" OF ME, THEN I APOLOGIZE, BUT I NEED IT.

Olivious Life

Good morning! I am well into my Thursday here at work and things are pretty good. I am in an overall good mood. Michael is a lot better, my dad is doing better and I feel pretty good this morning.



I have noticed over time that I am oblivious to a lot of things. I have been oblivious to the fact that I am overweight. I go shopping and don't have a problem getting clothes that fit from the plus size section most times. I range from a size 16 to an 18 depending on the maker and what it is that I am wearing. I am healthy when I go to my doctor's appointments when it comes to my cholesterol, blood pressure, sugar levels, triglycerides, and all the other things that I have checked by choice and necessity twice a year. I eat basically what I want. I like salads some days with nothing but lettuce and a light vinaigerette and on those days I call it dinner. On other days I want a big juicy cheeseburger where the juices flow down my arm when I pick it up to bite into it with some crinkle cut french fries on the side(Ore Ida are my favorite). I also am oblivious to the fact that I am a little abnormal in my thought processes, likes and dislikes and just who I am altogether. I don't go with the grain on a lot of things. I have my own little world going on up in my head. I am oblivious to the fact that I am fairly happy and have been all the time. I think a lot, but it seems that I haven't been thinking deeply enough. What one feels is a phase, I adapt as who I am when it truthly was just a phase for me too. Confusing I know!, but it's true. My job is a good job. I rarely complain about it, but when I do I shouldn't cause it's a pretty good job. The things in life that have me wondering are simple things. My faith allows me to know that this too shall pass! It always have in the past and it always does!!!

Your next rocket scientist!

I just figured out how to do it. Duh, Tammy! You make stuff harder than it has to be.

Technology

I feel like a rocket scientist right now. I think I've figured out how to post from my phone. Now if I could figure out how to add pictures, I'd be dangerous!

La la land

I AM OFFICIALLY IN LA LA LAND. I TEASED MY BROTHER ABOUT HOW SOMETIMES MY BRAIN HAS ME FEELING LIKE A SMURF, WALKING AROUND SINGING THAT SONG "LA LA LA LA LA LAAA LAAA LAA LA." WELL TODAY IS ONE OF THOSE DAYS. MY FAMILY WAS BACK TOGETHER AGAIN AT MY APARTMENT LAST NIGHT. IT WAS NICE, BUT I AM WAITING FOR SOMETHING AND I DON'T REALLY KNOW WHAT. I GUESS THAT IS THE NEGATIVITY THAT ALWAYS COMES. I AM AFRAID OF IT TO TELL THE TRUTH, BUT IT MAY NEVER SHOW UP. THAT WOULD BE GREAT IF IT DOESN'T. WHERE IS MY FAITH RIGHT? I AM DEALING WITH SOME LEFT SIDE NUMBNESS THAT I HOPE IS ONLY WHERE I SLEPT WRONG AND NOT A SYMPTOM OF MS. EITHER WAY IT GOES, I AM ALIVE AND THANKFUL FOR THAT. NOT A LOT TO SAY TODAY AS I SAID I AM IN SMURFVILLE!!!

Sometimes when you don't have all the answers and you don't know what to do. You just do because you have no other choice. A while back I left my home and I started out anew on my own without the loves of my life (my husband and son (technically stepson)). I got me an apartment on the other side of town, told no one about it and started living my life stress-free. Well, fast forward to now and I think they are about to come live with me, lol. Life is truly something. I mean, of course I care about the both of them and of course my stress level has been down. I mean in a world alone, who would have stress right? I mean my parents are still a big concern of mines, but they don't directly impose stress in my life. I have spent a couple of days with my husband at my place and things haven't been so bad. I mean we laugh, we talk, we even cooked together. I know there will be an influx of dirty laundry, more dishes to wash, more groceries to shop for, but I don't seem to mind that. I actually spend about the same amount of time in the grocery store as I did when we were one big happy family. I think that's attributed to my love of food (especially ice cream). I actually thrive on that kind of stuff. The thing that I couldn't put up with is the childish behavior of my husband, the drinking and "thugging." He declares that he understands now and has made the change.Because our vows are sacred to me and the fact that I know he loves me without any doubt in my mind, I can only believe he is telling the truth. I declare that if he isn't I might make the national news, but time will tell I suppose. We have built a life together over the last 12 years and I am at my breaking point I think. I think Michael going into the hospital has had a lot to do with it too. Time will only tell with me I must forewarn because by the end of the day I may have the mindset of "Ummmm no they are not coming to my serene space to kill the peacefulness there..." Is that selfish? yes, do I know it? yes, Will it make a difference? Who knows!

Monday is my friend today!

It is Monday. I am not complaining one bit. I had a great weekend. It was hot, but that didn't prevent me from doing so. On Friday, I spent a little time on me that was enough to rejuvenate myself. I didn't do a lot. I walked for a while and I actually went shopping for bathroom stuff. It was therapeutic. I think sometimes I take for granted the little things and get caught up on other things. These other things aren't necessarily big things, but just other things. Like that $10 bill I lost a while back, lol. I used to always look at Monday as Oh my goodness it is Monday again, but not so much anymore. I am happy to be amongst the living as the old folk used to say. Monday is a fresh start to a brand new work week. It is a good day for tomorrow is Tuesday and it's necessary to get the week going. I am in a good place today. I am thankful for that.


So back to my weekend. Okay on Saturday, I didn't do a whole lot of anything. I did my usual hospital stuff. Michael was released from hospital. He is still laying around a lot. I had to get on him to make him get up and walk around. He is just sleeping a lot and the doctor wants him to "move." He says he is not feeling bad, but that there is nothing else to do. So I definitely can't wait until he spends a week in the country with Randy. Sunday I did make it "home." It is always great to spend time with mama and see my brother.

Last night Tony and I ate dinner that he cooked. He cooked at my apt. YES - HE NOW KNOWS THE LOCATION OF MY APT. He is trying so hard. I still think about how I am selfish and not wanting him to be a part of my life for more than a few hours per day and how unfair and unchristian like that is. I am praying about it and dealing with it. He has stopped doing those things that I asked him to so when he asked if he could come over. I honestly could not think of a reason for him not to come over. So we will see what this leads to. I do love him and he is my husband to have and to hold. You know how the rest goes.

I hope today unfolds into a beautiful day for everyone. It is way hot outside, but the hotter it gets, the sooner we will reach fall hopefully!

Another Day!

GOOD MORNING! I AM UP AND AT WORK ALREADY. I WAS AIMING FOR 8 BUT GOT HERE AROUND 8:10. SO I AM 20 MINUTES EARLY AS OPPOSED TO THE 30 MINUTES THAT I WANTED TO BE. IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE 101 DEGREES TODAY. THAT IS HOT. I AM GOING TO BE IN QUITE A BIT OF THE DAY, BUT STILL. I AM TIRED AND I MY DAY JUST REALLY STARTED. NOT MUCH ELSE GOING ON EXCEPT FOR THE ROUTINE OF WORK, HOSPITAL AND HOME. I WILL BE SO HAPPY TO ALLEVIATE HOSPITAL FROM THE LINE UP. IT IS BEGINNIGN TO TAKE A LARGE PERCENTAGE OF MY DAY, BUT I WOULD RATHER GO TO THE HOSPITAL THAN TO MOST OTHER PLACES BECAUSE THAT IS WHERE MY DADDY AND MICHAEL ARE FOR RIGHT NOW. MY DADDY IS DOING A LOT BETTER WHICH PROVES TO ME THAT DOCTORS DO NOT KNOW EVERYTHING. THEY TRIED VERY HARD TO PUSH ME INTO BELIEVING IT WOULD BE BEST FOR US TO ALLOW HIM TO DIE. HE IS STILL ALIVE AND DOING GREAT THINGS EVERYDAY. IT WON'T BE LONG BEFORE HE IS ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE ICU. THAT IS GREAT TO ME. ALTHOUGH WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT, I WOULD ACTUALLY RATHER HE STAYED THERE BECAUSE THE TREATMENT IS BETTER THERE. EACH NURSE HAS AT MOST TWO PATIENTS WHEREAS ON THE NEXT FLOOR HE GOES TO EACH NURSE IS ASSIGNED SIX PATIENTS. BIG DIFFERENCE THERE TO ME. I FEEL GOOD ALL IN ALL. I AM TIRED, I STUMBLE EVERY NOW AND AGAIN WHEN I GET UP, BUT I VERY RARELY FALL THANK THE LORD, BUT IF I DO I KNOW HE IS RIGHT THERE TO HELP ME BACK TO MY FEET.

WOW!

I JUST READ THIS A FEW MINUTES AGO FROM MY DAILY INSPIRATIONS GIVEN TO ME IN MY MY WORK EMAIL INBOX FROM JOEL OSTEEN AND HAD TO SAY WE GET WHAT WE NEED WHEN WE NEED IT!!1

TODAY'S SCRIPTURE
"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint"
(Isaiah 40:31, NIV).

THANKFUL!

I HAVE BEEN BUSY HERE LATELY. MY SON IS ALSO IN THE HOSPITAL WITH MRSA. HE HAD A BUMP UNDER HIS ARM THAT WE THOUGHT WOULD EVENTUALLY GO AWAY. TO MAKE A LONG STORY SHORT, HE HAD BACTERIA IN HIS BLOOD THAT TURNED OUT TO BE MRSA. HE IS STILL IN THE HOSPITAL FOR IV ANTIBIOTICS UNTIL SATURDAY. MY DAD IS STILL IN THERE AS WELL SO BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM, I AM ABOUT DEAD, LOL. SERIOUSLY I JUST WOULD LIKE TO SAY I AM THANKFUL FOR WHERE I AM AND WHAT I AM. I AM THANKFUL FOR THE GOOD TIMES AS WELL AS THE BAD. THE ROAD SEEMS ROUGH SOMETIMES, BUT I HAVE MADE IT OVER MANY BUMPS BEFORE SO IT WILL BE JUST FINE. I AM TIRED I KNOW THAT MUCH AND EVEN THOUGH I HAVE MS, I THINK RIGHT NOW I WOULD BE TIRED EVEN IF I DIDN'T HAVE IT. MS DOESN'T HELP AT ALL I KNOW, BUT I AM ENDURING A LOT WITH MY SON, MY DAD AND EVEN WITH MY COUSIN-IN-LAW WHOM I TOOK TO THE ER AT LUNCH(ALTHOUGH HOPEFULLY HERS WANT BE A BIGGY). I INCLUDE HER DUE TO THE FACT THAT IT IS A LOT OF HOSPITALING GOING ON IN MY LIFE RIGHT NOW, LOL OR BOO HOO HOO ACCORDING TO WHEN AND HOW I THINK ABOUT IT. ONE OF MY COWORKERS TEASED ME AND SAID THAT I WAS SURROUNDED AROUND SICKNESS. SHE IS RIGHT REALLY IT SEEMS, BUT IT'S ENOUGH TO SHOW ME WHAT I CAN - DO. SO I WILL PICK UP FROM WHERE I STOPPED, CATCH MY BREATH AND KEEP ON KEEPING ON! HAVE A GREAT DAY ON PURPOSE!

The Good Life

GOOD MORNING! I AM AT WORK A LITTLE EARLY SO I DECIDED I WOULD GET SOME THOUGHTS OUT EARLY AND KIND OF SET THE PACE FOR MY DAY. IT IS ALREADY QUITE WARM OUTSIDE. I WAS OUT OF BED RATHER EARLY AND I MADE ME BREAKFAST, OPENED THE BLINDS TO MY PATIO TO GET MY FIRST LOOK OUTSIDE FOR THE DAY. MY VIEW IS NOT THE BEST AND I ACTUALLY BEGAN TO THINK ABOUT THE NEED FOR ME TO LIVEN UP MY PATIO A LITTLE. UPON FIRST MOVING INTO THE COMPLEX THAT I AM IN, I SET UP IT UP TO MY COMFORT. I HAD A LITTLE CHAIR OUT THERE AND SOME PLANTS (MY PANSIES). WITHIN A COUPLE OF DAYS SOMEONE HAD STOLEN MY CHAIR. THAT KIND OF KILLED THE FIRE THAT HAD BEEN IGNITED FOR MY PATIO. THIS MORNING IS OFF TO A GOOD START. I TALKED TO MY HUSBAND FOR A LITTLE WHILE LAST NIGHT AND WE ARE CONTEMPLATING LIFE AND REMEMBERING HOW THINGS ONCE WERE. WE ARE PRAYING FOR GOD'S WILL TO BE DONE. I MISS MY HUSBAND AND MY SON (STEPSON) DEARLY I TRULY DO, BUT YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE IT IF YOU WERE TO SEE ME IN ACTION. I DO THINGS JUST FOR ME NOW THE WAY THINGS ARE. I GO TO BED WHEN I WANT, GET UP WHEN I WANT TO, I DO IT ALL JUST FOR ME. IS THAT SELFISH OR IS IT ME LOVING ME AND NOT TAKING ANY STUFF FROM ANYONE ELSE. IS IT FAIR TO MY SON, IS IT CREATING SOME SORT OF COMPLEX FOR HIM AND HIS LIFE. WHAT IS IT? I CALL IT THE GOOD LIFE RIGHT NOW. I KNOW THAT MY HUSBAND AND SON ARE HAVING TO DEAL WITH A DIFFERENT KIND OF LIFE THAN THAT I HAVE, BUT SHOULD I BE WORRIED OR FEEL GUILTY? I DON'T REALLY KNOW AND IN ABOUT FIVE MINUTES, MY THOUGHT PROCESSES WILL TURN OFF AND I WILL SIMPLY THINK ABOUT WORK FOR THE NEXT EIGHT HOURS, BUT RIGHT NOW THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT ARE ON MY MIND. THERE ARE SOME THINGS THAT I WILL NOT SETTLE FOR. I LOVE THEM BOTH AND I LOVED OUR LIFE. STRESS IS A THING THAT MS LIVES TO THRIVE ON AND I WANT TO ELIMINATE IT ALL FROM MY LIFE. I WILL!

SOMETHING THAT HAS CAUSED ME GREAT STRESS IN THE LAST COUPLE OF DAYS NOW IS THE FACT THAT I LOST $10. IT IS KILLING ME NOT TO KNOW WHERE IT IS. I FEEL THAT THIS IS SOMETHING THAT ALL PEOPLE DO AND $10 ISN'T ENOUGH TO MAKE OR BREAK A PERSON, BUT IT IS STILL $10. I WANT TO PURCHASE A NEW SWIFFER SWEEPER, BUT REFUSE TO UNTIL MY COUPONS FROM SWIFFER ARRIVE IN THE MAIL. WELL, LOSING THAT $10 EQUALS UP TO MY SWIFFER PURCHASE. BAH HUMBUG! I HATE WHEN I LOSE ANYTHING A NEEDLE, MY WAY WHEN FOLLOWING DIRECTIONS AND ESPECIALLY THAT $10. HOPE YOUR DAYS I GOOD AS I TREDGE MY WAY TOWARD THE GOOD LIFE!!!

FEELING PRETTY GOOD

TODAY IS TUESDAY AND I AM FEELING PRETTY GOOD. NO PARTICULAR REASON. I HAVE A NEW ATTITUDE LIKE THE SONG. I DON'T HAVE ANY OTHER REASON TO BE HAPPY THAN THAT OF WANTING TO. IT IS TUESDAY AND TOMORROW IS WEDNESDAY. I AM AT WORK WITH ONLY ONE HOUR AND SEVEN MINUTES LEFT IN THE DAY. I AM GOOD. I DON'T KNOW WHAT I SHALL HAVE FOR DINNER, BUT THAT IS ABOUT THE BIGGEST CONCERN OF MY DAY. ALL ELSE I GIVE TO THE LORD AND THANK HIM FOR FIGHTING MY BATTLES FOR ME. I KNOW NOT WHAT TOMORROW HOLDS, BUT I AM THANKFUL THAT THERE IS HOPE FOR TOMORROW. THIS MAY SOUND CLICHE, CRAZY OR JUST PLAIN BORING OR DULL, BUT I AM GOOD TODAY - I AM FEELING PRETTY GOOD!

I AM STILL HERE

IT IS MONDAY ONCE AGAIN. I HAVE DECIDED TO STOP DREADING MONDAY AS BAD AS I DO AND TO START APPRECIATING EACH NEW DAY. TODAY STARTED OFF KIND OF ROUGH FOR ME. FIRST, I HAD A HARD TIME GETTING OUT OF BED. I WENT TO BED FAIRLY EARLY AND I THINK THAT WAS THE PROBLEM. YOU KNOW HOW IT IS SAID YOU CAN GET TOO MUCH SLEEP. WELL, I THINK I DID. I WAS UP IN TIME TO MAKE IT TO WORK EXCEPTIONALLY EARLY, BUT WASN'T ABLE TO. I MADE IT LIKE 12 MINUTES EARLY, BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT I WAS GOING FOR. ONCE I GET TO WORK, THINGS THAT OTHERS DO STARTED TO FRUSTRATE ME. DURING MY LUNCH HOUR I GOT INTO AN ARGUMENT, RAN LATE COMING BACK AND AM JUST STILL WOE IS ME RIGHT NOW. GUESS WHAT THO? BECAUSE OF MY NEW OUTLOOK ON SIMPLY "BEING HERE," I WEAR A SMILE ON MY FACE. INTERESTED IN FINDING OUT WHAT THE NEXT MINUTE IS GOING TO BE LIKE. IT CAN'T BE ALL THAT BAD. I AM STILL HERE SO I KEEP ON KEEPING ON WITH A SMILE ON MY FACE AND A SKIP IN MY STEP. GOD IS TOO GOOD FOR ME TO BE STRESSED, MISERABLE AND UNHAPPY IN ANY WAY. I LOVE THE LORD AND HE LOVES ME. THAT IS ALL I NEED. HAVE A GREAT DAY!!! I WILL IF I HAVE TO FORCE MYSELF TO DO SO :)!

MADE IT TO FRIDAY, NOW WHAT

FINALLY, FRIDAY IS UPON US. I HAVE BEEN DYING FOR THIS DAY ALL WEEK. WHAT SHALL I DO WITH MY WEEKEND. I FEEL PRETTY WELL - THANKFULLY. NO COMPLAINTS ANY DIFFERENT FROM THE NORMAL ONES. I HAVE ABOUT TWO BAGS WORTH OF BOOKS ON HOLD AT THE LIBRARY SO THAT WILL BE THE FIRST PLAN OF MY NEXT THREE WEEKENDS. I ONLY REQUESTED FICTION BOOKS THIS TIME. I AM USUALLY ALWAYS READING SOMETHING SELF-IMPROVEMENT TYPE. WHEN I GET DONE WITH WORK TODAY, I AM GOING BY THE HOSPITAL TO VISIT WITH DAD FOR A GOOD LITTLE WHILE. MONDAYS THRU THURSDAYS TYPICALLY DON'T ALLOW FOR A WHOLE LOT OF TIME AS BY THE TIME I GET OFF OF WORK, THE HOURS IN ICU ARE ABOUT OVER. THANKFULLY, WE GET OFF EARLY ON FRIDAYS SO I WILL GET TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH HIM TODAY THAN TYPICALLY. AS OF THE LAST FEW DAYS, I AM SEEING MORE OF HIS OLD SELF COMING TO SURFACE. I AM GLAD OF THAT. NO MAJOR PLANS OTHERWISE. I WILL VISIT HIM, VISIT MY HUSBAND AND STEPSON FOR A WHILE PROBABLY ON SATURDAY OR MAYBE EVEN TODAY AND VISIT MY DAD AGAIN ON SUNDAY. NOT A WHOLE LOT GOING ON IN THIS BRAIN OF MINES RIGHT NOW AND I AM TOO HAPPY ABOUT THAT. NORMALLY I HAVE A MILLION THINGS AND A HALF GOING THROUGH ALL AT THE SAME TIME ALL WITH THE SAME URGENCY! I AM THANKFUL FOR TODAY!

The little things!

It has been a couple of days since I have been on to write anything. There have been quite a few things going through my mind. I have been working with my thoughts so that's why I haven't written. I am in about the same place, but am working so when I work, it forces me to get back to things that I hold important to me.

This morning I had the pleasure of speaking with someone newly diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. What a wonderful conversation it was - at least for me. I don't know what she took from it, but it is amazing how much I gained from her. Each person with MS gets it in a different way than the other. I think the hardest thing for her as well as myself was the fact that others don't understand it. I was telling her how I myself feel when I go out to WalMart and park in a handicap parking space and see people behind me drive my and later get out of there car with a wheelchair. The looks on their face is that of - You aren't disabled because I don't see your wheelchair. It is amazing to me how people who are total strangers are able to be so insensitive. It is also amazing that people who care and love us most are also insensitive as they don't have the slightest clue of it all! Well, considering I am at work, I will finish this post later on, but I had to get this much out!

THE SUN IS SHINING, BUT WHERE IS THE SUNLIGHT?

TODAY IS A WOE IS ME DAY. I WANT TO BLAME IT ON MS SIMPLY BECAUSE I AM TRYING MY BEST TO GET OUT OF THIS ZONE. I AM FORCING A SMILE, THINKING HAPPY THOUGHTS AND LIFE IS GENERALLY PRETTY GOOD. MY BRAIN IS TELLING ME TO WORRY ABOUT SOMETHING AND I CAN'T SO I WORRY ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO KNOW WHAT IT IS I SHOULD BE WORRYING ABOUT. I KNOW MS MEDICATION CAN CAUSE SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, BUT I HAVEN'T TAKEN MY MEDICINE IN SOME TIME NOW FOR DIFFERENT REASONS. SO I CAN'T BLAME IT ON THAT. MY THOUGHTS AREN'T SUICIDAL ANYWAY. THEY ARE JUST WOE IS ME - WHAT TO DO NOW. YOU KNOW KIND OF LIKE EEYORE, FROM WINNIE THE POOH.

MY WEEKEND WAS PRETTY GOOD. I WAS ABLE TO GET SOME MUCH NEEDED REST. ON FRIDAY AND THEN AGAIN ON SUNDAY. IT SEEMS THAT I HAVE DEVELOPED THIS HABIT OF BEING BUSY DOING NOTHING. VISITING WITH MY DAD IS SOMETHING, BUT ALL OF MY OTHER TIME JUST SEEMS TO FLY AWAY EVER SO QUICKLY. I HAVE TO ORGANIZE MY FREE TIME DOING SOMETHING CONSTRUCTIVE AND MAKE A HABIT TO KEEP IT THAT WAY.

THE RECEPTIONIST HERE AT WORK IS OUT TODAY SO I AM COVERING THE PHONES AT HER DESK. BAH HUMBUG. I WOULD RATHER GIVE MY LEFT PINKY TOE THAN TO DO THAT. IT'S ONLY FOR TODAY SO IT SHOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM. I HAVE FOUR AND HALF SICK DAYS LEFT AND I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL NOT TO GET SICK OF NOTHING, LOL. WE ARE OFF NEXT MONDAY, FOR THE 4TH OF JULY HOLIDAY AND I LOOK FORWARD TO THAT. I AM GOING TO SPEND MOST OF IT WITH MY DAD, BUT SOME OF IT ON MYSELF TOO. I NEED TO STAY LATE AFTER WORK TONIGHT BECAUSE WHENEVER I DO THE PHONES, IT THROWS ME BEHIND ON MY ACTUAL WORK, BUT I WILL NEVER COMPLAIN OUTWARDLY ABOUT. JUST HERE OR IN WRITING IN ONE OF MY JOURNALS. NO NEED TO COMPLAIN - JUST DO IT. AT LEAST THE NEWEST RECEPTIONIST IS NOTHING LIKE THE OLD ONE OR I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE PULLED MY HAIR OUT BY NOW. THE OTHER GIRLS DON'T MIND PLAYING RECEPTIONIST WHEN SHE IS OUT, BUT IT'S JUST TOO MUCH DRAMA AROUND IT SO I DO IT. IT IS EASIER THAT WAY.

I HAVE TO RETURN TO SCHOOL. MY HEART HAS ALWAYS BEEN IN SPECIAL EDUCATION. IT USED TO ANGER ME IN HIGH SCHOOL WHEN SOME OF MY "FRIENDS - I WOULD CALL THEM - WOULD GET UP EARLY JUST LIKE ME TO HEAD OUT TO SCHOOL AND GET THERE TO RAKE LEAVES WHILE I LEARNED. I WANT TO EITHER PURSUE THAT OR EITHER SOMETHING IN THE COUNSELING AREA. I LOVE MY CURRENT JOB AND THE PEOPLE HERE TOO, IT'S JUST NOT FULFILLING MY LIFE'S PURPOSE. WE WILL SEE WHERE THAT ROAD TAKES ME.

WELL, THESE ARE JUST SOME THOUGHTS I PONDER TODAY! WOE IS ME WILL SOON BE OVER OR AT LEAST I HOPE!

RUSHING TO THIS VERY DAY RIGHT HERE

Wow, this work week has finally come to an end. It was sooooo hard to get out of bed this morning. The internet is becoming my foe, but I love it so. I remember being little and being told that with a book, I could go anywhere in the world and be anyone in the world. That was the beginning of my love affair with books. Today fastforward 25 years and a new love affair is blossoming with the internet. I know I am a little late, but now I actually have time to spend on it. I say that to say. I can do so much and find out new things everyday. Within minutes, I know more about any given subject than I did before.

This morning, I contemplated calling in. I am dealing with this fatigue and anything that isn't laying in my bed/couch is draining. Even thinking is draining. I didn't call in and am feeling pretty good about it. I made it in. As the programs I will be working with this morning get ready, I release to you my thoughts. MS is really a sucky disease because when people look at you, you look well. Wow, if you only new what was going on on the inside. I feel fine a good portion of the time, but I don't a good portion of the time too. I think something about me makes me pull up my bootstraps as is said and press on. It is easier sometimes to portray the image of feeling, being well. RIGHT NOW I AM COMING TO GRIPS WITH THE FACT THAT MY FUTURE IS BLEAK AND BECAUSE OF THAT I AM GOING TO LOOK DEEPER INTO WAYS I CAN HELP FIGHT FOR A CURE WITH THIS TERRIBLE DISEASE.

Not a whole lot planned for the weekend. I am soooo happy and this should have been my first sentence. I received some fairly good news from the nurse taking care of my dad yesterday. He was going to be released from the ICU after 67 days and placed on a regular floor, but because he would receive better, specialized care there, his doctors decided to let him stay in the ICU for a while. I am glad they did that. He is special to me and therefore needs the specialized care even if he doesn't require it. I will visit with him during lunch and after work today. I am supposed to travel to Rock Hill tomorrow to help Stacy move to Charlotte. I feel better now about leaving town with my dad still in the hospital. I think had I not received this good news, it would have been harder for me to go.

I love my sister-in-law to death and any things that makes her life easier makes me smile. I wish things were different where we were free to live life with no restraints. No work, no obligations other than to be free. We both have like minds and could be doing so much in the world. We have had countless conversations about finding our purpose and taking on the world, but have not gotten very far because of some of our constraints. Stacy is better than I am of living life without being bound by self-imposed limitations. I am striving to get better.

I have made it to work. It is 10:22 a.m. right now and through some pauses I have completed this post. I am off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of work! Have a great day and a great start to the weekend!!!

People Just Don't Understand

I am dealing with this dreadful MS fatigue again. It is Terrible. Yes, with a capital T. I just don't get how some of my closest people don't understand it. I tell you that I am dealing with MS fatigue and you respond with I am soooo tired myself. What? No, MS fatigue is not what you have. I have been tired too and would pay for that type of fatigue myself. I came in late this morning. I contemplated not coming in at all. Now, I was about 25 minutes late altogether. Not a big deal, especially when I am going to make it my business to stay over late today at 5. One of my coworkers in particular is short with me, but I am like shoot, no one told you to come in before the chickens rose this morning. I will have days like this so get over it. I get my work done, bottom line. Another person - my husband - whom I will be married to for nine years in August! He wanted me to spend time with him last night, but I told him I was going home to go to bed (we are still separated, but see each other almost everyday). He didn't understand me when I said I was dealing with some disabling MS fatigue. Oh well, those are the breaks I guess. I will say although, that one of my coworkers. Actually, our office manager, gets it. She and I had an email conversation where she would tell people at one time that she was so tired and it was because she had an iron defiencency and they would tell her the same thing, that they were tired too. People are insensitive sometimes. Go suck on a lemon very hard, I say!

Ramblings

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY AND OF COURSE THAT MEANS TOMORROW IS THURSDAY. HUMP DAY AGAIN ALREADY. SOMETIMES IT SEEMS THAT THE DAYS AND WEEKS TAKE FOREVER TO PASS BY, BUT AT OTHER TIMES, LIKE NOW, IT GOES BY EVER SO FAST. IT IS ALREADY THE END OF JUNE. HALF OF 2010 IS ALREADY GONE ALMOST. I HAVE BEEN HAVING THOUGHTS OF SELF EMPOWERMENT FOR SO LONG AND WITH HALF OF THE YEAR GONE, THERE IS NO BETTER TIME THAN NOW TO START.
I LEARNED OF A FELLOW CLASSMATE WHO PASSED AND I HADNT HEARD MORE FROM SINCE GRADUATION. IT KIND OF BOTHERED ME THAT “JUST LIKE THAT” SHE WAS GONE. I KNOW THAT SHE MEANT A LOT T MANY PEOPLE, BUT I HAD NO MEMORIES OF HER FOR MORE THAN TEN YEARS. IT’S NOT THAT I WANT TO BE REMEMBERED AFTER MY DEATH, BUT IT WOULD BE NICE I SUPPOSE. I THINK IT JUST GOT ME TO THINKING ABOUT LIFE IN GENERAL. I MEAN WHY DO WE WAKE UP EVERYDAY? TO DO WHAT? OF COURSE WE HAVE JOBS TO GO TO AND WE HAVE MOUTHS TO FEED IF ONLY OUR OWN, BUT WHAT MORE IS THERE TO A DAY. I RECENTLY WAS TELLING STACY THAT THERE ARE 24 HOURS IN A DAY. ABOUT NINE ARE SPENT WITH THE INVOLVMENT OF WORK (GETTING DRESSED, DRIVING THERE AND WORKING). WELL, ABOUT TEN. THERE ARE 14 HOURS LEFT. OKAY OF THOSE 14, ABOUT AN AVERAGE OF SEVEN ARE NEEDED FOR SLEEP. OK THAT ONLY LEAVES 7 HOURS OF MY DAY THROUGH THE WEEK PER NIGHT. OKAY FOR ABOUT 3 HOURS I GO TO MY PART TIME JOB FROM 1996. THAT I THINK I HOLD ON TO FOR THE SAKE OF COMFORT.SOME COMFORT IT OFFERS ALTHOUGH, AS A LOT OF TIME IS SPENT NOT WORKING MORESO THAN WORKING . I DON’T THINK I AM EVEN GOING TO SUBTRACT THE HOURS AWAY FROM MY DAY WITH THEM AS THE TIMES THAT I AM THERE DON’T REALLY EVEN COUNT THEY ARE SO FAR AND FEW BETWEEN. AT LEAST TWO HOURS ARE SPENT WITH MY FATHER. WHEN THINKING ABOUT IT, THAT IS NOT ENOUGH TIME, BUT TO MY OWN CREDIT I WILL ADD THAT I DO SPEND MORE TIME WITH HIM ON THE WEEKENDS. I KNOW AT LEAST RIGHT NOW WHILE HE IS IN THE HOSPITAL I AM CONFINED BY THE RESTRAINTS OF THE HOSPITAL SCHEDULE. OKAY NOW THAT LEAVES ME WITH 5 HOURS OF WHICH I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT. WELL, I MUST TELL YOU THAT I DON’T KNOW WHETHER I SHOULD BLAME THIS ON MS OR ON MYSELF. IT JUST SEEMS THAT I SPEND TIME BEING IDLE.WHILE ALONE WITH MY THOUGHTS, I NEED TO BE COMING UP WITH THE MASTER PLAN, BUT INSTEAD, I AM JUST THINKING EMPTY THOUGHTS I GUESS. I SPEND TOOOOO MUCH TIME BEING WORRIED ABOUT FOOD. WHAT AM I GOING TO EAT TODAY, TOMORROW NEXT WEEK. WE ARE TOLD IN THE BIBLE NOT TO WORRY ABOUT FOOD AS THE LITTLE BIRDS ARE FED SO WE WILL WE . I DON’T WORRY ABOUT WHAT IT IS THAT I AM GOING TO EAT, BUT MORE ABOUT WHAT I SHALL HAVE FOR THIS MEAL. WHEN I WAS LITTLE I REMEMBER MY MOM ASKING MY BROTHER AND I WHETHER WE ATE TO LIVE OR LIVED TO EAT. WE JOKINGLY SAID WE LIVED TO EAT. I AM A LOVER OF FOOD. MY PARENTS COOKED A FULL MEAL EVERY DAY. EVERYDAY - A MEAT, STARCH OR THREE, VEGETABLE AND GOOD OLD FASHIONED CORNBREAD. WITH THE SWEETEST KOOLAID IN THE STATE. WELL, DUTY CALLS. I'D BETTER CONTINUE THIS ONE LATER.

Simply blissful

Well, it is Saturday evening and I am laying across the bed watching tv and utilizing my laptop. I am loving it. I spent most of the day at the hospital with my dad and then to help my aunt get ready for a church function out of town. I have magazines, papers and books spread out all on the bed. I have clothes down on the floor and shoes out of place. My dinner for tomorrow is done. I have already eaten for today and I am good. I am good. My dad's health is always a constant on my brain, but I have prayed and know that he is in God's hands so no worries there.

I have always been a girl of simplicity. No makeup, no fancy fancy swirly curly hairdos, no sparkly glittery outfits. I love the quiet life. I have never liked drawing attention to me. If it did come my way, I was the one to direct it somewhere else - oooohh look over there, lol. I don't know where this comes from. Probably somewhere from when I was four years old. I was beginning to feel down earlier about how I live for the weekend and do nothing to enjoy it when it comes.

I was over that in like 2.5 seconds (courtesy of Pamela Davis, my mother-in-law 2.5 seconds). I am good with not having done anything major this weekend. I am good with the ability to lie in bed and watch tv. I am good with not spending $1 all day long. The simple life is the life for me. No drama, no stress, no well anything. I'm loving it. Of course tomorrow, I will have a completely different story, but that's the beauty of life.

IT'S A NEW SEASON

WOW! A LOT HAS HAPPENED SINCE MY LAST POST TO INCLUDE THE FACT THAT I FORGOT HOW TO GET BACK TO THIS BLOG PERIOD. I KNOW IT SHOULDN'T TAKE A ROCKET SCIENTIST TO DO SO AND I AM SURE THERE ARE MANY ELEMENTARY SCHOOL KIDS WITH BLOGS OF THEIR OWN. WELL, CONSIDERING THE FACT THAT I WAS HAVING AN EXACERBATION (FLARE UP WITH THE MS)DURING THE TIME OF STARTING IT, I THINK IT IS WELL THAT I REMEMBERED I HAD TYPED THINGS FOR A BLOG PERIOD. THANK GOD THAT I AM BETTER AND I HAVE BEEN BETTER FOR SOME TIME.

I RECENTLY LEFT MY FAMILY AND BRANCHED OUT TO A LOVED ONE UNTIL I COULD GET MY OWN THOUGHTS IN CHECK. I HAVE READ FOR YEARS OF THE AMOUNT OF DAMAGE THAT CAN BE CAUSED BY STRESSED TO A PERSON WITH MS. I LEFT THE STRESS BEHIND. WELL, YOU WOULD THINK MY PROBLEMS WOULD HAVE BEEN ALLEVIATED, BUT I THINK I STRESSED MYSELF MORE FROM WORRYING ALL THE TIME. THAT WAS MARCH 26TH AND TODAY IS JUNE 16TH, I AM IN A BETTER PLACE, BUT.....

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH ALL OF THE LOVE? I MEAN IT'S NOT LIKE YOU CAN TURN IT OFF TO COME BACK TO AT A LATER DATE. IT IS ALL STILL HERE. THE LOVE, LAUGHTER, PAIN, SADNESS AND ALL OF THE OTHER EMOTIONS ARE STILL THERE. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO SOMETIMES. I PRAY A LOT AND IF IT WERE NOT FOR GOD, I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW WHERE I WOULD BE. I KNOW THAT'S WHAT EVERYBODY SAYS, BUT IT'S THE TRUTH. I AM A THINKER AND I THINK ALLLLLL THE TIME. EVEN WHEN I AM AT REST, I THINK. THOUGHTS ARE TRULY SOMETHING. THEY CAN MAKE YOU THE BEST, MOST SUCCESSFUL PERSON IN THE WORLD, BUT THAT CAN ALSO HINDER YOU FROM BELIEVING IN YOURSELF. SO MY PLAN IS TO FOCUS ON POSITIVE THINKING WHEN IT COMES TO MY HEALTH AND LIFE PERIOD.

IT IS HOT HERE IN SC AND I NEED TO CHILL OUT MORE, BUT THERE SEEMS TO NOT BE ENOUGH TIME IN THE DAY. I CAN NOT EVEN FIND TIME TO INCLUDE EXERCISE IN MY DAY. I HAVE SET UP SPACE FOR MY TREADMILL, AN EXCERCISE BIKE AND A TV. ASK ME HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE USED EITHER ONE OF THEM. THE EXERCISE BIKE IS PROBABLY A 1981 MODEL THAT I FOUND AT A YARD SALE FOR $1.00. THE TREADMILL IS NOT THE BEST EITHER, BUT HEY IT WORKS AND ALL I HAVE TO DO IS GET ON EITHER ONE OF THEM. NOT ONCE HAVE I GOTTEN ON EITHER. NOW ASK ME WHAT I DO WITH ALL OF MY TIME - OK, I WORK FROM 8:30 to 5:00 MONDAY - FRIDAY. I DO HAVE SATURDAY AND SUNDAY OFF. MY DAD'S BEING IN THE HOSPITAL KIND OF DICTATES MY WHEREABOUTS AS FAR AS EXTRA TIME, BUT HONESTLY I DIDN'T DO A WHOLE LOT OF STUFF OUTSIDE OF WORK WHEN HE WASN'T IN THE HOSPITAL. I DON'T KNOW. I WILL START TO THINK OF SOMETHINGS THAT I WILL BE ABLE TO DO. I THINK EXCERCISING SHOULD BE A MAJOR ONE RIGHT NOW CONSIDERING THAT I HAVE QUITE A FEW POUNDS TO SHED AND THEY AREN'T GOING TO DEPART WITHOUT ME DOING THINGS TO MAKE IT EASIER FROM THEM. I LOVE TO READ, BUT IT'S LIKE I DO NOT MAKE THE TIME FOR IT THESE DAYS. THINGS HAVE GOT TO CHANGE!!! I'M LOOKING AT THE WOMAN IN THE MIRROR! I JUST ATE 4 OF 6 LANCE TOASTCHEE CRACKERS AS A SNACK IN BETWEEN BREAKFAST AND LUNCH. YAY ME. NOW WHAT IT IS 30 MINUTES OF MOVING A DAY AT LEAST. LET'S HOPE I MAKE IT TO THAT!!!