What is Exhaustion????

    I was speaking to someone about how I am really doing. I summed all of my troubles up with one word. That word was EXHAUSTED. I hadn't done any major feat or even a minor feat really. I'd awakened, brushed my teeth, showered and gotten dressed. If I had my choice in the matter, my day would have ended with getting dressed. At that point I was already exhausted. An old friend called and we small talked for a few minutes and she asked me to honestly tell her how I was. That's when you know you are communicating with a true friend. When she/he is able to tell that the first answer you gave was not the truth of the matter. I laughed and began to tell her all about how exhausted I am all day and every day. I told her about how sleeping more does not help it at all and sometimes seems to make it worse. We talked about how sometimes it seems to be so bad that the fatigue seems like it is in some way making my bones hurt. It's not your ordinary every body gets tired fatigue, it's fatigue times 100. It's angry with me fatigue. It's I'm not letting you go ever fatigue. It's an intense fatigue. It often makes me want to cry when I think about the things I want to be able to do, but can't because I don't have the energy. It makes me miss the life I formerly knew. It's hard. If you look at any definition of Multiple Sclerosis, fatigue is almost a given when reading about the symptoms. It is the worst of my problems and I do look for ways to deal with better.



   
     I spoke with my neurologist about how hard it was to move past this incredible fatigue. He prescribed the medication Amantadine. It's help me stay awake. I find myself lying in bed more now although. I am awake, I feel the fatigue, but I can't shake the feeling of still being tired to my bones. I am only more alert of the heaviness now. I shouldn't complain I guess because at least I'm able to be in bed and not fall asleep while under this medication. I have started to eat better and because of that I'm hoping to see an incline in more energy level. I'm eating more fruits and vegetables, less fruit and less fried foods. I popped in my MS Yoga DVD the other day and tried to do a few of the seated exercises. I became frustrated with that and turned the tv off. I'm trying to defeat this fatigue, but right now I must honestly say it has me defeated. I'm not dead and because of that I will keep trying. It has to get better!!! That's my philosophy on all of this and I'm holding fast to the arrival of that better day!!!

Image: Pinterest via Lisa Lu

Chronic!?!

Over the past few days and weeks, I've heard the word chronic like never before. I knew I had a chronic illness, but it never resonated with me as it has with me here lately. I know that as of today there's no cure for Multiple Sclerosis. I'm aware that there is a great chance that I will be crippled by this disease. As I stumble to the coffee pot for coffee this morning, I worried about whether or not I'll be walking for much longer. I think of the word chronic. Just last week, while at the doctor's office, the doctor broke it down for me. "Tammy I hate to say this, but you have a "chronic" condition that does not appear to be getting better and based on the course of this disease will not get better. That's a reality that you have to get used to." I'll never forget those words. She pushes me to apply for SSD. As much as I love God and as much trust I have in him, I must admit that I'm afraid to, This chronic illness has increased my anxiety so much so that I am questioning God's ability to be with me through everything. That's so not normal for me. Lead me, guide me dear Lord!!!

Breathe

Every time I say I'm going to write more often, I don't. So I vow to never say it again. I'll just try to do it as often as I can. A lot has happened since the last time I posted. I suffered a bad fall on November 15th. I broke my ankle because of it. It's better now thank God, but oh boy did I ever endure a tough time. I did find out that those things that we think are ever so important are not as important at all. My long held tradition of doing laundry on Saturday morning went out of the window when I couldn't wake before dawn on Saturday to do it, but the house did not crumble. That old saying about time healing wounds rings so true with me. A close friend of mine lost her father. In attending the funeral, it brought me back to a dark place of when my own dad passed. I'm getting ready to start a new career. Jesus took the wheel on this one because this is all on him. It doesn't seem like anything I would have ever done on my own. I don't know what the future holds, but I'm trusting this to be a good thing. I think I've learned to breathe a little more in the last few weeks. Things that used to bother me don't so much anymore. I'm creeping up on meditation. I'm reading about it and slowly, but surely plan to get into it. I suppose in some way or another I am already meditating. I'm enduring a relapse right now. It is getting better as I am about a week into it. I'm taking my Prednisone and treading along. I'm just thankful and happy to be here! Hope all is well with you where ever you may be right now!!!

Simply blissful

Well, it is Saturday evening and I am laying across the bed watching tv and utilizing my laptop. I am loving it. I spent most of the day at the hospital with my dad and then to help my aunt get ready for a church function out of town. I have magazines, papers and books spread out all on the bed. I have clothes down on the floor and shoes out of place. My dinner for tomorrow is done. I have already eaten for today and I am good. I am good. My dad's health is always a constant on my brain, but I have prayed and know that he is in God's hands so no worries there.

I have always been a girl of simplicity. No makeup, no fancy fancy swirly curly hairdos, no sparkly glittery outfits. I love the quiet life. I have never liked drawing attention to me. If it did come my way, I was the one to direct it somewhere else - oooohh look over there, lol. I don't know where this comes from. Probably somewhere from when I was four years old. I was beginning to feel down earlier about how I live for the weekend and do nothing to enjoy it when it comes.

I was over that in like 2.5 seconds (courtesy of Pamela Davis, my mother-in-law 2.5 seconds). I am good with not having done anything major this weekend. I am good with the ability to lie in bed and watch tv. I am good with not spending $1 all day long. The simple life is the life for me. No drama, no stress, no well anything. I'm loving it. Of course tomorrow, I will have a completely different story, but that's the beauty of life.