She lives!!!

I am back. It's been a while I know and for that I do apologize. There have been some things going on that have kept me from the my computer.

I have been going through it dealing with anxiety and depression along with a relapse. Thank God I am here. I never would have thought my mind could cause so many problems. I have always thought of myself as pretty stable in all ways - mental, physical and emotional. Not so.... Multiple Sclerosis causes some depression and I think the anxiety was brought on by my fear of being inadequate. I know what the Lord says about fear and I know I shouldn't have fear in my heart. Please help me tell my brain about it. I am better now. I am thankful for that. I have always had a very strong faith and I trusted God through this all. I thank Him so much for this and for everything!!!

 

Chronic!?!

Over the past few days and weeks, I've heard the word chronic like never before. I knew I had a chronic illness, but it never resonated with me as it has with me here lately. I know that as of today there's no cure for Multiple Sclerosis. I'm aware that there is a great chance that I will be crippled by this disease. As I stumble to the coffee pot for coffee this morning, I worried about whether or not I'll be walking for much longer. I think of the word chronic. Just last week, while at the doctor's office, the doctor broke it down for me. "Tammy I hate to say this, but you have a "chronic" condition that does not appear to be getting better and based on the course of this disease will not get better. That's a reality that you have to get used to." I'll never forget those words. She pushes me to apply for SSD. As much as I love God and as much trust I have in him, I must admit that I'm afraid to, This chronic illness has increased my anxiety so much so that I am questioning God's ability to be with me through everything. That's so not normal for me. Lead me, guide me dear Lord!!!

My life and times!

As usual, it's been quite a while. There have been some changes since I was last here. The biggest change has been that I've changed jobs. My health seems to be experiencing sporadic changes more frequently now. Thankfully more things haven't changed. It honestly seemed like there were more. LOL!

As you very well know I loved, loved, loved my old job. God led me to leave and now I work for Verizon Wireless. It truly is a great company to work for. I must be honest although, I sometimes wonder what God has in store for me because whoo! It really is going to take some getting used to. Out of 23 people who started with me on January 31st, we've only lost one person. I must be honest again and say that I was almost riding out with her. Verizon is an awesome company again I must say. We are still going through an extensive training process. I thank them for that. My MS altered mind, is taking a little longer to process some things. Don't let me mention anxiety. Oh my! I almost quit two to three times a day. Scripture helps me tremendously during those times. Other things I can't seem to remember to save my life. I must say that I trust God with everything that I am and because of that can't wait to see where He leads me.

My health here lately seems to be a bit more on a more loopy roller coaster. I've incurred loops in the past so I am aware that MS can be very unpredictable. I just seem to be seeing this more often than not here lately. I won't complain as I can still see, still walk and do so many other things that many people with MS can not. I am thankful. I am just aware that progression is real and it is happening. Much like the graying of the hairs in my head, I have to just get used to it. I did see a new neurologist. He's out of town and I think I'm going to keep him along with my main neurologist in town. He offers a lot of cutting edge information, but I think I need my doctor in town too. I don't know if this ethically right, but he didn't seem to have a problem when I mentioned I'd like to keep my old neurologist. We'll see how that goes.

All in all, I experienced change recently and am anxious to see where this change leads me. On this ride, I will just set the cruise control and enjoy the scenery. Maybe even relinquish the driver's seat for a while!