I was speaking to someone about how I am really doing. I summed all of my troubles up with one word. That word was
EXHAUSTED. I hadn't done any major feat or even a minor feat really. I'd awakened, brushed my teeth, showered and gotten dressed. If I had my choice in the matter, my day would have ended with getting dressed. At that point I was already exhausted. An old friend called and we small talked for a few minutes and she asked me to honestly tell her how I was. That's when you know you are communicating with a true friend. When she/he is able to tell that the first answer you gave was not the truth of the matter. I laughed and began to tell her all about how exhausted I am all day and every day. I told her about how sleeping more does not help it at all and sometimes seems to make it worse. We talked about how sometimes it seems to be so bad that the fatigue seems like it is in some way making my bones hurt. It's not your ordinary every body gets tired fatigue, it's fatigue times 100. It's angry with me fatigue. It's I'm not letting you go ever fatigue. It's an intense fatigue. It often makes me want to cry when I think about the things I want to be able to do, but can't because I don't have the energy. It makes me miss the life I formerly knew. It's hard. If you look at any definition of Multiple Sclerosis, fatigue is almost a given when reading about the symptoms. It is the worst of my problems and I do look for ways to deal with better.
I spoke with my neurologist about how hard it was to move past this incredible fatigue. He prescribed the medication Amantadine. It's help me stay awake. I find myself lying in bed more now although. I am awake, I feel the fatigue, but I can't shake the feeling of still being tired to my bones. I am only more alert of the heaviness now. I shouldn't complain I guess because at least I'm able to be in bed and not fall asleep while under this medication. I have started to eat better and because of that I'm hoping to see an incline in more energy level. I'm eating more fruits and vegetables, less fruit and less fried foods. I popped in my MS Yoga DVD the other day and tried to do a few of the seated exercises. I became frustrated with that and turned the tv off. I'm trying to defeat this fatigue, but right now I must honestly say it has me defeated. I'm not dead and because of that I will keep trying. It has to get better!!! That's my philosophy on all of this and I'm holding fast to the arrival of that better day!!!
Image: Pinterest via Lisa Lu
