I AM STILL HERE

IT IS MONDAY ONCE AGAIN. I HAVE DECIDED TO STOP DREADING MONDAY AS BAD AS I DO AND TO START APPRECIATING EACH NEW DAY. TODAY STARTED OFF KIND OF ROUGH FOR ME. FIRST, I HAD A HARD TIME GETTING OUT OF BED. I WENT TO BED FAIRLY EARLY AND I THINK THAT WAS THE PROBLEM. YOU KNOW HOW IT IS SAID YOU CAN GET TOO MUCH SLEEP. WELL, I THINK I DID. I WAS UP IN TIME TO MAKE IT TO WORK EXCEPTIONALLY EARLY, BUT WASN'T ABLE TO. I MADE IT LIKE 12 MINUTES EARLY, BUT THAT IS NOT WHAT I WAS GOING FOR. ONCE I GET TO WORK, THINGS THAT OTHERS DO STARTED TO FRUSTRATE ME. DURING MY LUNCH HOUR I GOT INTO AN ARGUMENT, RAN LATE COMING BACK AND AM JUST STILL WOE IS ME RIGHT NOW. GUESS WHAT THO? BECAUSE OF MY NEW OUTLOOK ON SIMPLY "BEING HERE," I WEAR A SMILE ON MY FACE. INTERESTED IN FINDING OUT WHAT THE NEXT MINUTE IS GOING TO BE LIKE. IT CAN'T BE ALL THAT BAD. I AM STILL HERE SO I KEEP ON KEEPING ON WITH A SMILE ON MY FACE AND A SKIP IN MY STEP. GOD IS TOO GOOD FOR ME TO BE STRESSED, MISERABLE AND UNHAPPY IN ANY WAY. I LOVE THE LORD AND HE LOVES ME. THAT IS ALL I NEED. HAVE A GREAT DAY!!! I WILL IF I HAVE TO FORCE MYSELF TO DO SO :)!

THE SUN IS SHINING, BUT WHERE IS THE SUNLIGHT?

TODAY IS A WOE IS ME DAY. I WANT TO BLAME IT ON MS SIMPLY BECAUSE I AM TRYING MY BEST TO GET OUT OF THIS ZONE. I AM FORCING A SMILE, THINKING HAPPY THOUGHTS AND LIFE IS GENERALLY PRETTY GOOD. MY BRAIN IS TELLING ME TO WORRY ABOUT SOMETHING AND I CAN'T SO I WORRY ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO KNOW WHAT IT IS I SHOULD BE WORRYING ABOUT. I KNOW MS MEDICATION CAN CAUSE SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, BUT I HAVEN'T TAKEN MY MEDICINE IN SOME TIME NOW FOR DIFFERENT REASONS. SO I CAN'T BLAME IT ON THAT. MY THOUGHTS AREN'T SUICIDAL ANYWAY. THEY ARE JUST WOE IS ME - WHAT TO DO NOW. YOU KNOW KIND OF LIKE EEYORE, FROM WINNIE THE POOH.

MY WEEKEND WAS PRETTY GOOD. I WAS ABLE TO GET SOME MUCH NEEDED REST. ON FRIDAY AND THEN AGAIN ON SUNDAY. IT SEEMS THAT I HAVE DEVELOPED THIS HABIT OF BEING BUSY DOING NOTHING. VISITING WITH MY DAD IS SOMETHING, BUT ALL OF MY OTHER TIME JUST SEEMS TO FLY AWAY EVER SO QUICKLY. I HAVE TO ORGANIZE MY FREE TIME DOING SOMETHING CONSTRUCTIVE AND MAKE A HABIT TO KEEP IT THAT WAY.

THE RECEPTIONIST HERE AT WORK IS OUT TODAY SO I AM COVERING THE PHONES AT HER DESK. BAH HUMBUG. I WOULD RATHER GIVE MY LEFT PINKY TOE THAN TO DO THAT. IT'S ONLY FOR TODAY SO IT SHOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM. I HAVE FOUR AND HALF SICK DAYS LEFT AND I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL NOT TO GET SICK OF NOTHING, LOL. WE ARE OFF NEXT MONDAY, FOR THE 4TH OF JULY HOLIDAY AND I LOOK FORWARD TO THAT. I AM GOING TO SPEND MOST OF IT WITH MY DAD, BUT SOME OF IT ON MYSELF TOO. I NEED TO STAY LATE AFTER WORK TONIGHT BECAUSE WHENEVER I DO THE PHONES, IT THROWS ME BEHIND ON MY ACTUAL WORK, BUT I WILL NEVER COMPLAIN OUTWARDLY ABOUT. JUST HERE OR IN WRITING IN ONE OF MY JOURNALS. NO NEED TO COMPLAIN - JUST DO IT. AT LEAST THE NEWEST RECEPTIONIST IS NOTHING LIKE THE OLD ONE OR I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE PULLED MY HAIR OUT BY NOW. THE OTHER GIRLS DON'T MIND PLAYING RECEPTIONIST WHEN SHE IS OUT, BUT IT'S JUST TOO MUCH DRAMA AROUND IT SO I DO IT. IT IS EASIER THAT WAY.

I HAVE TO RETURN TO SCHOOL. MY HEART HAS ALWAYS BEEN IN SPECIAL EDUCATION. IT USED TO ANGER ME IN HIGH SCHOOL WHEN SOME OF MY "FRIENDS - I WOULD CALL THEM - WOULD GET UP EARLY JUST LIKE ME TO HEAD OUT TO SCHOOL AND GET THERE TO RAKE LEAVES WHILE I LEARNED. I WANT TO EITHER PURSUE THAT OR EITHER SOMETHING IN THE COUNSELING AREA. I LOVE MY CURRENT JOB AND THE PEOPLE HERE TOO, IT'S JUST NOT FULFILLING MY LIFE'S PURPOSE. WE WILL SEE WHERE THAT ROAD TAKES ME.

WELL, THESE ARE JUST SOME THOUGHTS I PONDER TODAY! WOE IS ME WILL SOON BE OVER OR AT LEAST I HOPE!

People Just Don't Understand

I am dealing with this dreadful MS fatigue again. It is Terrible. Yes, with a capital T. I just don't get how some of my closest people don't understand it. I tell you that I am dealing with MS fatigue and you respond with I am soooo tired myself. What? No, MS fatigue is not what you have. I have been tired too and would pay for that type of fatigue myself. I came in late this morning. I contemplated not coming in at all. Now, I was about 25 minutes late altogether. Not a big deal, especially when I am going to make it my business to stay over late today at 5. One of my coworkers in particular is short with me, but I am like shoot, no one told you to come in before the chickens rose this morning. I will have days like this so get over it. I get my work done, bottom line. Another person - my husband - whom I will be married to for nine years in August! He wanted me to spend time with him last night, but I told him I was going home to go to bed (we are still separated, but see each other almost everyday). He didn't understand me when I said I was dealing with some disabling MS fatigue. Oh well, those are the breaks I guess. I will say although, that one of my coworkers. Actually, our office manager, gets it. She and I had an email conversation where she would tell people at one time that she was so tired and it was because she had an iron defiencency and they would tell her the same thing, that they were tired too. People are insensitive sometimes. Go suck on a lemon very hard, I say!