THE SUN IS SHINING, BUT WHERE IS THE SUNLIGHT?

TODAY IS A WOE IS ME DAY. I WANT TO BLAME IT ON MS SIMPLY BECAUSE I AM TRYING MY BEST TO GET OUT OF THIS ZONE. I AM FORCING A SMILE, THINKING HAPPY THOUGHTS AND LIFE IS GENERALLY PRETTY GOOD. MY BRAIN IS TELLING ME TO WORRY ABOUT SOMETHING AND I CAN'T SO I WORRY ABOUT NOT BEING ABLE TO KNOW WHAT IT IS I SHOULD BE WORRYING ABOUT. I KNOW MS MEDICATION CAN CAUSE SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, BUT I HAVEN'T TAKEN MY MEDICINE IN SOME TIME NOW FOR DIFFERENT REASONS. SO I CAN'T BLAME IT ON THAT. MY THOUGHTS AREN'T SUICIDAL ANYWAY. THEY ARE JUST WOE IS ME - WHAT TO DO NOW. YOU KNOW KIND OF LIKE EEYORE, FROM WINNIE THE POOH.

MY WEEKEND WAS PRETTY GOOD. I WAS ABLE TO GET SOME MUCH NEEDED REST. ON FRIDAY AND THEN AGAIN ON SUNDAY. IT SEEMS THAT I HAVE DEVELOPED THIS HABIT OF BEING BUSY DOING NOTHING. VISITING WITH MY DAD IS SOMETHING, BUT ALL OF MY OTHER TIME JUST SEEMS TO FLY AWAY EVER SO QUICKLY. I HAVE TO ORGANIZE MY FREE TIME DOING SOMETHING CONSTRUCTIVE AND MAKE A HABIT TO KEEP IT THAT WAY.

THE RECEPTIONIST HERE AT WORK IS OUT TODAY SO I AM COVERING THE PHONES AT HER DESK. BAH HUMBUG. I WOULD RATHER GIVE MY LEFT PINKY TOE THAN TO DO THAT. IT'S ONLY FOR TODAY SO IT SHOULDN'T BE A PROBLEM. I HAVE FOUR AND HALF SICK DAYS LEFT AND I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL NOT TO GET SICK OF NOTHING, LOL. WE ARE OFF NEXT MONDAY, FOR THE 4TH OF JULY HOLIDAY AND I LOOK FORWARD TO THAT. I AM GOING TO SPEND MOST OF IT WITH MY DAD, BUT SOME OF IT ON MYSELF TOO. I NEED TO STAY LATE AFTER WORK TONIGHT BECAUSE WHENEVER I DO THE PHONES, IT THROWS ME BEHIND ON MY ACTUAL WORK, BUT I WILL NEVER COMPLAIN OUTWARDLY ABOUT. JUST HERE OR IN WRITING IN ONE OF MY JOURNALS. NO NEED TO COMPLAIN - JUST DO IT. AT LEAST THE NEWEST RECEPTIONIST IS NOTHING LIKE THE OLD ONE OR I PROBABLY WOULD HAVE PULLED MY HAIR OUT BY NOW. THE OTHER GIRLS DON'T MIND PLAYING RECEPTIONIST WHEN SHE IS OUT, BUT IT'S JUST TOO MUCH DRAMA AROUND IT SO I DO IT. IT IS EASIER THAT WAY.

I HAVE TO RETURN TO SCHOOL. MY HEART HAS ALWAYS BEEN IN SPECIAL EDUCATION. IT USED TO ANGER ME IN HIGH SCHOOL WHEN SOME OF MY "FRIENDS - I WOULD CALL THEM - WOULD GET UP EARLY JUST LIKE ME TO HEAD OUT TO SCHOOL AND GET THERE TO RAKE LEAVES WHILE I LEARNED. I WANT TO EITHER PURSUE THAT OR EITHER SOMETHING IN THE COUNSELING AREA. I LOVE MY CURRENT JOB AND THE PEOPLE HERE TOO, IT'S JUST NOT FULFILLING MY LIFE'S PURPOSE. WE WILL SEE WHERE THAT ROAD TAKES ME.

WELL, THESE ARE JUST SOME THOUGHTS I PONDER TODAY! WOE IS ME WILL SOON BE OVER OR AT LEAST I HOPE!

RUSHING TO THIS VERY DAY RIGHT HERE

Wow, this work week has finally come to an end. It was sooooo hard to get out of bed this morning. The internet is becoming my foe, but I love it so. I remember being little and being told that with a book, I could go anywhere in the world and be anyone in the world. That was the beginning of my love affair with books. Today fastforward 25 years and a new love affair is blossoming with the internet. I know I am a little late, but now I actually have time to spend on it. I say that to say. I can do so much and find out new things everyday. Within minutes, I know more about any given subject than I did before.

This morning, I contemplated calling in. I am dealing with this fatigue and anything that isn't laying in my bed/couch is draining. Even thinking is draining. I didn't call in and am feeling pretty good about it. I made it in. As the programs I will be working with this morning get ready, I release to you my thoughts. MS is really a sucky disease because when people look at you, you look well. Wow, if you only new what was going on on the inside. I feel fine a good portion of the time, but I don't a good portion of the time too. I think something about me makes me pull up my bootstraps as is said and press on. It is easier sometimes to portray the image of feeling, being well. RIGHT NOW I AM COMING TO GRIPS WITH THE FACT THAT MY FUTURE IS BLEAK AND BECAUSE OF THAT I AM GOING TO LOOK DEEPER INTO WAYS I CAN HELP FIGHT FOR A CURE WITH THIS TERRIBLE DISEASE.

Not a whole lot planned for the weekend. I am soooo happy and this should have been my first sentence. I received some fairly good news from the nurse taking care of my dad yesterday. He was going to be released from the ICU after 67 days and placed on a regular floor, but because he would receive better, specialized care there, his doctors decided to let him stay in the ICU for a while. I am glad they did that. He is special to me and therefore needs the specialized care even if he doesn't require it. I will visit with him during lunch and after work today. I am supposed to travel to Rock Hill tomorrow to help Stacy move to Charlotte. I feel better now about leaving town with my dad still in the hospital. I think had I not received this good news, it would have been harder for me to go.

I love my sister-in-law to death and any things that makes her life easier makes me smile. I wish things were different where we were free to live life with no restraints. No work, no obligations other than to be free. We both have like minds and could be doing so much in the world. We have had countless conversations about finding our purpose and taking on the world, but have not gotten very far because of some of our constraints. Stacy is better than I am of living life without being bound by self-imposed limitations. I am striving to get better.

I have made it to work. It is 10:22 a.m. right now and through some pauses I have completed this post. I am off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of work! Have a great day and a great start to the weekend!!!

People Just Don't Understand

I am dealing with this dreadful MS fatigue again. It is Terrible. Yes, with a capital T. I just don't get how some of my closest people don't understand it. I tell you that I am dealing with MS fatigue and you respond with I am soooo tired myself. What? No, MS fatigue is not what you have. I have been tired too and would pay for that type of fatigue myself. I came in late this morning. I contemplated not coming in at all. Now, I was about 25 minutes late altogether. Not a big deal, especially when I am going to make it my business to stay over late today at 5. One of my coworkers in particular is short with me, but I am like shoot, no one told you to come in before the chickens rose this morning. I will have days like this so get over it. I get my work done, bottom line. Another person - my husband - whom I will be married to for nine years in August! He wanted me to spend time with him last night, but I told him I was going home to go to bed (we are still separated, but see each other almost everyday). He didn't understand me when I said I was dealing with some disabling MS fatigue. Oh well, those are the breaks I guess. I will say although, that one of my coworkers. Actually, our office manager, gets it. She and I had an email conversation where she would tell people at one time that she was so tired and it was because she had an iron defiencency and they would tell her the same thing, that they were tired too. People are insensitive sometimes. Go suck on a lemon very hard, I say!

Ramblings

TODAY IS WEDNESDAY AND OF COURSE THAT MEANS TOMORROW IS THURSDAY. HUMP DAY AGAIN ALREADY. SOMETIMES IT SEEMS THAT THE DAYS AND WEEKS TAKE FOREVER TO PASS BY, BUT AT OTHER TIMES, LIKE NOW, IT GOES BY EVER SO FAST. IT IS ALREADY THE END OF JUNE. HALF OF 2010 IS ALREADY GONE ALMOST. I HAVE BEEN HAVING THOUGHTS OF SELF EMPOWERMENT FOR SO LONG AND WITH HALF OF THE YEAR GONE, THERE IS NO BETTER TIME THAN NOW TO START.
I LEARNED OF A FELLOW CLASSMATE WHO PASSED AND I HADNT HEARD MORE FROM SINCE GRADUATION. IT KIND OF BOTHERED ME THAT “JUST LIKE THAT” SHE WAS GONE. I KNOW THAT SHE MEANT A LOT T MANY PEOPLE, BUT I HAD NO MEMORIES OF HER FOR MORE THAN TEN YEARS. IT’S NOT THAT I WANT TO BE REMEMBERED AFTER MY DEATH, BUT IT WOULD BE NICE I SUPPOSE. I THINK IT JUST GOT ME TO THINKING ABOUT LIFE IN GENERAL. I MEAN WHY DO WE WAKE UP EVERYDAY? TO DO WHAT? OF COURSE WE HAVE JOBS TO GO TO AND WE HAVE MOUTHS TO FEED IF ONLY OUR OWN, BUT WHAT MORE IS THERE TO A DAY. I RECENTLY WAS TELLING STACY THAT THERE ARE 24 HOURS IN A DAY. ABOUT NINE ARE SPENT WITH THE INVOLVMENT OF WORK (GETTING DRESSED, DRIVING THERE AND WORKING). WELL, ABOUT TEN. THERE ARE 14 HOURS LEFT. OKAY OF THOSE 14, ABOUT AN AVERAGE OF SEVEN ARE NEEDED FOR SLEEP. OK THAT ONLY LEAVES 7 HOURS OF MY DAY THROUGH THE WEEK PER NIGHT. OKAY FOR ABOUT 3 HOURS I GO TO MY PART TIME JOB FROM 1996. THAT I THINK I HOLD ON TO FOR THE SAKE OF COMFORT.SOME COMFORT IT OFFERS ALTHOUGH, AS A LOT OF TIME IS SPENT NOT WORKING MORESO THAN WORKING . I DON’T THINK I AM EVEN GOING TO SUBTRACT THE HOURS AWAY FROM MY DAY WITH THEM AS THE TIMES THAT I AM THERE DON’T REALLY EVEN COUNT THEY ARE SO FAR AND FEW BETWEEN. AT LEAST TWO HOURS ARE SPENT WITH MY FATHER. WHEN THINKING ABOUT IT, THAT IS NOT ENOUGH TIME, BUT TO MY OWN CREDIT I WILL ADD THAT I DO SPEND MORE TIME WITH HIM ON THE WEEKENDS. I KNOW AT LEAST RIGHT NOW WHILE HE IS IN THE HOSPITAL I AM CONFINED BY THE RESTRAINTS OF THE HOSPITAL SCHEDULE. OKAY NOW THAT LEAVES ME WITH 5 HOURS OF WHICH I CAN DO ANYTHING I WANT. WELL, I MUST TELL YOU THAT I DON’T KNOW WHETHER I SHOULD BLAME THIS ON MS OR ON MYSELF. IT JUST SEEMS THAT I SPEND TIME BEING IDLE.WHILE ALONE WITH MY THOUGHTS, I NEED TO BE COMING UP WITH THE MASTER PLAN, BUT INSTEAD, I AM JUST THINKING EMPTY THOUGHTS I GUESS. I SPEND TOOOOO MUCH TIME BEING WORRIED ABOUT FOOD. WHAT AM I GOING TO EAT TODAY, TOMORROW NEXT WEEK. WE ARE TOLD IN THE BIBLE NOT TO WORRY ABOUT FOOD AS THE LITTLE BIRDS ARE FED SO WE WILL WE . I DON’T WORRY ABOUT WHAT IT IS THAT I AM GOING TO EAT, BUT MORE ABOUT WHAT I SHALL HAVE FOR THIS MEAL. WHEN I WAS LITTLE I REMEMBER MY MOM ASKING MY BROTHER AND I WHETHER WE ATE TO LIVE OR LIVED TO EAT. WE JOKINGLY SAID WE LIVED TO EAT. I AM A LOVER OF FOOD. MY PARENTS COOKED A FULL MEAL EVERY DAY. EVERYDAY - A MEAT, STARCH OR THREE, VEGETABLE AND GOOD OLD FASHIONED CORNBREAD. WITH THE SWEETEST KOOLAID IN THE STATE. WELL, DUTY CALLS. I'D BETTER CONTINUE THIS ONE LATER.

Simply blissful

Well, it is Saturday evening and I am laying across the bed watching tv and utilizing my laptop. I am loving it. I spent most of the day at the hospital with my dad and then to help my aunt get ready for a church function out of town. I have magazines, papers and books spread out all on the bed. I have clothes down on the floor and shoes out of place. My dinner for tomorrow is done. I have already eaten for today and I am good. I am good. My dad's health is always a constant on my brain, but I have prayed and know that he is in God's hands so no worries there.

I have always been a girl of simplicity. No makeup, no fancy fancy swirly curly hairdos, no sparkly glittery outfits. I love the quiet life. I have never liked drawing attention to me. If it did come my way, I was the one to direct it somewhere else - oooohh look over there, lol. I don't know where this comes from. Probably somewhere from when I was four years old. I was beginning to feel down earlier about how I live for the weekend and do nothing to enjoy it when it comes.

I was over that in like 2.5 seconds (courtesy of Pamela Davis, my mother-in-law 2.5 seconds). I am good with not having done anything major this weekend. I am good with the ability to lie in bed and watch tv. I am good with not spending $1 all day long. The simple life is the life for me. No drama, no stress, no well anything. I'm loving it. Of course tomorrow, I will have a completely different story, but that's the beauty of life.

IT'S A NEW SEASON

WOW! A LOT HAS HAPPENED SINCE MY LAST POST TO INCLUDE THE FACT THAT I FORGOT HOW TO GET BACK TO THIS BLOG PERIOD. I KNOW IT SHOULDN'T TAKE A ROCKET SCIENTIST TO DO SO AND I AM SURE THERE ARE MANY ELEMENTARY SCHOOL KIDS WITH BLOGS OF THEIR OWN. WELL, CONSIDERING THE FACT THAT I WAS HAVING AN EXACERBATION (FLARE UP WITH THE MS)DURING THE TIME OF STARTING IT, I THINK IT IS WELL THAT I REMEMBERED I HAD TYPED THINGS FOR A BLOG PERIOD. THANK GOD THAT I AM BETTER AND I HAVE BEEN BETTER FOR SOME TIME.

I RECENTLY LEFT MY FAMILY AND BRANCHED OUT TO A LOVED ONE UNTIL I COULD GET MY OWN THOUGHTS IN CHECK. I HAVE READ FOR YEARS OF THE AMOUNT OF DAMAGE THAT CAN BE CAUSED BY STRESSED TO A PERSON WITH MS. I LEFT THE STRESS BEHIND. WELL, YOU WOULD THINK MY PROBLEMS WOULD HAVE BEEN ALLEVIATED, BUT I THINK I STRESSED MYSELF MORE FROM WORRYING ALL THE TIME. THAT WAS MARCH 26TH AND TODAY IS JUNE 16TH, I AM IN A BETTER PLACE, BUT.....

WHAT DO YOU DO WITH ALL OF THE LOVE? I MEAN IT'S NOT LIKE YOU CAN TURN IT OFF TO COME BACK TO AT A LATER DATE. IT IS ALL STILL HERE. THE LOVE, LAUGHTER, PAIN, SADNESS AND ALL OF THE OTHER EMOTIONS ARE STILL THERE. I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO SOMETIMES. I PRAY A LOT AND IF IT WERE NOT FOR GOD, I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW WHERE I WOULD BE. I KNOW THAT'S WHAT EVERYBODY SAYS, BUT IT'S THE TRUTH. I AM A THINKER AND I THINK ALLLLLL THE TIME. EVEN WHEN I AM AT REST, I THINK. THOUGHTS ARE TRULY SOMETHING. THEY CAN MAKE YOU THE BEST, MOST SUCCESSFUL PERSON IN THE WORLD, BUT THAT CAN ALSO HINDER YOU FROM BELIEVING IN YOURSELF. SO MY PLAN IS TO FOCUS ON POSITIVE THINKING WHEN IT COMES TO MY HEALTH AND LIFE PERIOD.

IT IS HOT HERE IN SC AND I NEED TO CHILL OUT MORE, BUT THERE SEEMS TO NOT BE ENOUGH TIME IN THE DAY. I CAN NOT EVEN FIND TIME TO INCLUDE EXERCISE IN MY DAY. I HAVE SET UP SPACE FOR MY TREADMILL, AN EXCERCISE BIKE AND A TV. ASK ME HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE USED EITHER ONE OF THEM. THE EXERCISE BIKE IS PROBABLY A 1981 MODEL THAT I FOUND AT A YARD SALE FOR $1.00. THE TREADMILL IS NOT THE BEST EITHER, BUT HEY IT WORKS AND ALL I HAVE TO DO IS GET ON EITHER ONE OF THEM. NOT ONCE HAVE I GOTTEN ON EITHER. NOW ASK ME WHAT I DO WITH ALL OF MY TIME - OK, I WORK FROM 8:30 to 5:00 MONDAY - FRIDAY. I DO HAVE SATURDAY AND SUNDAY OFF. MY DAD'S BEING IN THE HOSPITAL KIND OF DICTATES MY WHEREABOUTS AS FAR AS EXTRA TIME, BUT HONESTLY I DIDN'T DO A WHOLE LOT OF STUFF OUTSIDE OF WORK WHEN HE WASN'T IN THE HOSPITAL. I DON'T KNOW. I WILL START TO THINK OF SOMETHINGS THAT I WILL BE ABLE TO DO. I THINK EXCERCISING SHOULD BE A MAJOR ONE RIGHT NOW CONSIDERING THAT I HAVE QUITE A FEW POUNDS TO SHED AND THEY AREN'T GOING TO DEPART WITHOUT ME DOING THINGS TO MAKE IT EASIER FROM THEM. I LOVE TO READ, BUT IT'S LIKE I DO NOT MAKE THE TIME FOR IT THESE DAYS. THINGS HAVE GOT TO CHANGE!!! I'M LOOKING AT THE WOMAN IN THE MIRROR! I JUST ATE 4 OF 6 LANCE TOASTCHEE CRACKERS AS A SNACK IN BETWEEN BREAKFAST AND LUNCH. YAY ME. NOW WHAT IT IS 30 MINUTES OF MOVING A DAY AT LEAST. LET'S HOPE I MAKE IT TO THAT!!!