Argh!

I'm trying to creep back. I am slowly making progress. I came on and started a post that I saved to drafts. I have been enduring a lot. A lot has been things that I implemented in my own life. I've got a lot going on mentally. I started taking anxiety medication recently because the weight of the world was on my shoulders it seemed. I feel them working now that I have been on them for about a couple of months. I am finally finding my way with this new job. I felt so led there by the Lord, but for a minute couldn't find peace in the answer. I was there, but it seemed like I couldn't have heard right.

MS is flaring itself again in the form of tingling, burning and even itching in my left arm and hand mostly. I have health concerns that have truly made me look differently at the foods I eat. I'm trying. It's hard.

My life is a blur right now. I'm tired most days, but I still go on. I won't stop because one day there will be a day that I can't.

If I could just remember....

Yay today is Friday! I forget that means nothing other than I've got to go to work tomorrow for me. I am happy although it is closer to having some time off from work

I've been experiencing some rough moments here lately and it is all because of my thought processes. I am a huge believer in Christ and if He said, He'll do it. You wouldn't believe based on my past actions. All week at work, I've been telling myself of the things I am not able to do. I've been playing out in my mind (sometimes even while at work - working) how bad things are going to get and how bad they are going to be when I either lose my job or quit it. I was lead to this new position by God. I am aware of that and I honestly believe it. My thinking is causing me to have doubt.. When in doubt, look to the father, right? I know through Him all things are possible and because of that, I can rejoice! Rejoice with me! Also hope, that I always remember this! I tend to forget everything these days!!!

My life and times!

As usual, it's been quite a while. There have been some changes since I was last here. The biggest change has been that I've changed jobs. My health seems to be experiencing sporadic changes more frequently now. Thankfully more things haven't changed. It honestly seemed like there were more. LOL!

As you very well know I loved, loved, loved my old job. God led me to leave and now I work for Verizon Wireless. It truly is a great company to work for. I must be honest although, I sometimes wonder what God has in store for me because whoo! It really is going to take some getting used to. Out of 23 people who started with me on January 31st, we've only lost one person. I must be honest again and say that I was almost riding out with her. Verizon is an awesome company again I must say. We are still going through an extensive training process. I thank them for that. My MS altered mind, is taking a little longer to process some things. Don't let me mention anxiety. Oh my! I almost quit two to three times a day. Scripture helps me tremendously during those times. Other things I can't seem to remember to save my life. I must say that I trust God with everything that I am and because of that can't wait to see where He leads me.

My health here lately seems to be a bit more on a more loopy roller coaster. I've incurred loops in the past so I am aware that MS can be very unpredictable. I just seem to be seeing this more often than not here lately. I won't complain as I can still see, still walk and do so many other things that many people with MS can not. I am thankful. I am just aware that progression is real and it is happening. Much like the graying of the hairs in my head, I have to just get used to it. I did see a new neurologist. He's out of town and I think I'm going to keep him along with my main neurologist in town. He offers a lot of cutting edge information, but I think I need my doctor in town too. I don't know if this ethically right, but he didn't seem to have a problem when I mentioned I'd like to keep my old neurologist. We'll see how that goes.

All in all, I experienced change recently and am anxious to see where this change leads me. On this ride, I will just set the cruise control and enjoy the scenery. Maybe even relinquish the driver's seat for a while!

Breathe

Every time I say I'm going to write more often, I don't. So I vow to never say it again. I'll just try to do it as often as I can. A lot has happened since the last time I posted. I suffered a bad fall on November 15th. I broke my ankle because of it. It's better now thank God, but oh boy did I ever endure a tough time. I did find out that those things that we think are ever so important are not as important at all. My long held tradition of doing laundry on Saturday morning went out of the window when I couldn't wake before dawn on Saturday to do it, but the house did not crumble. That old saying about time healing wounds rings so true with me. A close friend of mine lost her father. In attending the funeral, it brought me back to a dark place of when my own dad passed. I'm getting ready to start a new career. Jesus took the wheel on this one because this is all on him. It doesn't seem like anything I would have ever done on my own. I don't know what the future holds, but I'm trusting this to be a good thing. I think I've learned to breathe a little more in the last few weeks. Things that used to bother me don't so much anymore. I'm creeping up on meditation. I'm reading about it and slowly, but surely plan to get into it. I suppose in some way or another I am already meditating. I'm enduring a relapse right now. It is getting better as I am about a week into it. I'm taking my Prednisone and treading along. I'm just thankful and happy to be here! Hope all is well with you where ever you may be right now!!!

Humbling Moments!!!

Over the past couple of weeks, there have been things that have popped up in my life that have made me oh so much more aware of how blessed I am. I sometimes get downtrodden when I think of my life and my losses. I miss my father so much. I used to be able to pick up the phone and call him. Just hearing his voice was enough to soothe my soul it seemed. The holidays are almost her and how I wish I could invite my mom out to lunch/dinner, go to a spa to be pampered and how I wish I was able to simply listen to her talk to me for hours on in.  I worry about what my future holds with MS. The things that I can not do as well anymore seem to be steadily increasing. My idea of my successful career was supposed to be so better than it is now. I was supposed to be a pharmacist or something lucrative, but now it all boils down to simple administrative work.
     But then!!!, I stopped my pity party and started to think you know what - you have a living mother whom you can spend time and talk to anytime you want, you were able to create wonderful memories with your father and he's not suffering anymore, you have life alone and you have a job. My life is no where near perfect nor is it what I planned for myself, but it is what the Lord had planned for me. Everything that I've experienced and gone through has been a building block to the wonderful me that I am. I am humbled because of the way these simple things are in my life right now at this exact monent! Thank You Lord!

It's Fine!

I know you're going to think I'm a bit loony, but this past weekend I came to a huge revelation. All day Saturday I really buckled down and got done things that needed to and a few that didn't. I was proud of myself. I even got up early and went to the YMCA where I had a good workout for my normal. On Sunday I was ready to start part 2 of the big to do about everything around the house. Well, guess what! I realized, it didn't really matter!!! That was huge. Overall our home was clean and peaceful, food was cooked and all was fine.I realized that what hadn't been done would either be there when I got back to it or some of my other family members would take care of it. So on Sunday, I jumped in bed and watched old DVRed recordings. When I was done with that, I went to Netflix and I capped my day off by reading some Deepak Chopra!!! I don't think I've ever had as relaxing a Sunday as I did yesterday. As I got ready for work this morning, I realized that all was fine!!!

Whirlwinds!!!

 It's my favorite time of year, but I've yet the opportunity to sit outside, drink a cup of coffee and take in all the beauty. I haven't even had time to go home and see my mom and brother and really get to take a break from my fast lane life. I love to read, but I think in the last month, I've only completed one book and it was short. I have some organizing that has been a goal of mine for months now that is still unorganized. I just can't seem to get things done.

What is it exactly that I've been doing to occupy my time so? A whole lot of absolute nothing. It's like I lose hours doing that very well. When time elaspes and I look at the clock, I am bewildered. I just can not believe I spent three hours just sitting. I wasn't deep in meditation or thinking any kind of grand thoughts. I just was sort of out of it. I most often find myself like that when I get home from work. I make it in the house around 5:15. The next thing I know it's 7 or 8! I must admit in that time of being lost, I manage to pop out a meal, straighten up a little or some over simple task, but I used to get so much more important to me stuff done. Now there's no other way to put it, I'm just lost! I guess I describe the being lost feeling as simply not aware of things. It's like I'm in an area of thoughtlessness (is that a word?). I know routines will sometimes get a person out of sync, but it is not like that. It's hard to explain.

I just look forward to getting out of this area. I have started writing down a list of daily goals that I want to accoumplish to help me do that. I also have ended my relationship with Directv as I've found tv to suck up time too.We'll see how it goes for a couple of weeks and if I will be able to relinquish my dvr. We'll see!!!