Random Thoughts!

            I have so many things on mind. Where do I start? I am feeling better. I had another stay at the hospital, but I am better now and moving right along. I went to my second MS support group meeting last night and feel that they are such a positive experience. There was a good mix of people. We had a roundtable discussion about various things. It was funny because the facilitator kind of had a hard time keeping us all on track. I think our each of our brains were doing it’s own thing. We would hear the question and answer a part of it, but then go in a completely different direction. It was funny now that I think about it. I am sure it wasn’t as funny for the facilitator, but she has MS too so I think she understood. I am contemplating a few things in my mind right now considering the future. I worry about the day that I need to file for social security. Each day something happens to make feel that the date I need to leave the workworld is moving closer and closer. School is about to start up again for Michael. He will be in the 12 grade this year. It is hard to believe how fast time has gone. This is a lot of rambling it seems, but that’s how things flow in and out of my mind so I think it proper to write them just like they are! Hope you’re having a great day!

The sun shines after the storm!

       In thinking about my job and what I do. I feel bad sometimes because I get paid regardless of my "work production." Whether I put forth my best foot, work hard or slack off and do nothing all day, my pay is the same. I say that now, but then I think about the days when I put forth my best at the moment and realize that it may not add up to what it should and am then reminded how I am glad I don't get paid for actual work worth :(. The past few weeks, actually couple of months, have been pretty bad. I would fire me if I were my boss. Thank God my bosses don't feel that way!!! It has to get better.                             
       I have prayed for direction and guidance when it comes to my career. Here lately, my health has been a constant thought in my mind at work. I come to do a job that will help promote my company. For eight hours of the day, that is all I have to do. At one time I considered myself to be the biggest benefit amongst all the other employers. Not being cocky or arrogant, but my work ethic is such that it stood above the rest. Right about now, I don't know and for me that is a problem.  It shouldn't be too hard right? I have 16 other hours left in my day to do whatever else I want to except for maybe an hour and a half that is spent preparing for work and actually getting there. 
       I must admit that I am feeling better. Although this post reflects my true feelings, my soul feels a whole lot better about things. I think I am coming out of the last exacerbation and I thank God for that. I can see normal most of the time. I am dealing with the fatigue a little better now. I initially started this post early last week, but never got a chance to finish and submit it until now (took time to finish until now). I am doing so much better now. I think in time things will get even better. Patience is the key I guess.

Sunday afternoons

greatdreams.com

I am feeling a little better. I have endured a very long last past couple of weeks. My vision has been poor along with some other issues. I see well enough to type here at the computer. I started having the partial seizures again and feel pretty bad. I am still here although and because of that I rejoice. Hopefully, this current exacerbation will soon be on it's way out. I have had the Solumedrol treatments at my local infusion center. I did really well right after them, but now can tell that I am not taking anything. I did start taking the Copaxone that I had left over from when I stopped taking it before. I think my own treatment plan of not taking anything proved to be not as effective as I thought it would be. I take the Copaxone until the Rebif makes it here and I start taking it. It has been a long road just to get here and here is not the greatest place to be. I continue with prayer and faith. It'll all work out I know!

Learning Experience

I am back at work after a long weekend. I did get to rest a good bit. With temperatures in the high 90s I stayed inside for much of the weekend. Yesterday my husband and mother-in-law wanted to cook-out at our place. I didn't do much as I really wasn't feeling up to it. I still am suffering from the heavy weight of this fatigue, my speech is slurred and at times I catch myself drooling! I didn't want company and especially a cook-out. I wanted some comfortable lounge pants, an old t-shirt, good book and a cold drink all weekend long. I am ever so greatful for the contributions of our military women and men from years past all the way up to the ones right now and the ones in the future even. I didn't feel very well this weekend and had it not been for that I would have had my entire family out doing something at Ft. Jackson in honor of them. I just felt bad. I did agree on Saturday that "they"could do the cook-out if they so desired. Well, they did it all. I just sat on the couch (with my book) and watched and waited. My husband did a swell job and when it was getting late and I needed to get in bed for work today, he told everybody kindly that was sorry that we had work tomorrow and that they could get them a to go plate and they slowly started leaving. It went well. I was proud of him and my mother-in-law for respecting my being under the weather and taking care of everything. In the midst of all the anxiety I had about having people over and not really feeling like myself, I saw that things could go well even if I wasn't the one doing everything! Perhaps I can relinquish more things!

I AM TIRED...

I am worn out. I am at work and can't focus on the day at hand simply because I am severley tired, chronically fatigued, plain old pooped out. I got out of bed after ten hours of sleep completely drained and tired this morning. Yesterday I was the same way after eight hours of sleep.Yesterday wasn't any better, but for some magical reason I presumed that getting some rest would be the fix I needed. It didn't work!!!  I contemplated making a doctor's appt., but thought about my doctor telling me just a couple of weeks ago how excited she was to be going on vacation at the end of the month. I don't want to see another doctor and I figure what can they do anyway, but tell me to deal with it. At last check I typed 113 words per minute. Now it seems I would be doing good to be typing 30 words per minute.  The fatigue feels like someone has weights tied or tyed hmmm (you see what I mean brain functioning impaired) to my legs and arms. I am simply tired. This is what MS fatigues is. I have labeled other times when I was pooped out  as MS fatigue, but this by far is the worse that it has ever been. I would even jump for joy at those times right now in comparison to how I feel right now. I am not complaining, but just suprised that it could be this bad. In all honesty, I want to walk out the door of this building and cuddle up in the back of my car until I have more energy no matter how long it takes. Considering we've been having high 90 degree weather and my back seat is full of clothes to give Goodwill this afternoon, I'd probably better change that thought. Something has to give y'all. I just don't know what!!! To tired to think of what!

Happenings

In just under a month a whole lot has happened. We've endured losing an aunt and an uncle. My aunt was on my mother's side and my uncle was on my father's side. Both funerals brought me around some family members I hadn't seen in years. I even was able to meet some new family members that I didn't even know existed as some of my cousins had children that I didn't even know about. Although the loss of both my uncle and aunt were hard, I took the time to really sit back and breathe family. It seems as if every time I go home to my hometown, I never get to enjoy the moment. I am always running from here to there. When my uncle died, I was only able to spend a little time with my family on my dad's side and I think that was by choice because I was grieving the loss of my uncle, but also the loss of my uncle's brother (my dad). His death brought back so many memories. I didn't want to stick around for that very much. I went to the funeral, spoke to a few friends and sped back to the city which allowed me to hide in the midst of it all.

My aunt's passing gave me an opportunity for something oh so different. It allowed me to wrap my arms around loved ones, laugh about old memories and be present amongst them. I even ate dinner with two of my favorite aunts. My aunt Olitha provided some of the best hash and white bread (I hadn't had homemade hash in a couple of years) and my aunt Gwen cooked a feast in a little under two hours which included dressing, macaroni pie and a host of other southern cooked wonders. Food is one expression of my joy!

My health has sustained me for the last month. I must admit that when I came back this week from my long weekend with family, I was a little drained. I was on the go and good bit. My aunt's funeral was Tuesday and we came back home on Monday night. I woke up on Tuesday morning, went to the bathroom to wash my face and start my typical morning routine and decided against going to work. I was truly tired. I slept for most of the day on Tuesday and am back at work raring to go. I have started the partial seizures again. I am just taking the Trileptal that the doctor told me to come down off of earlier in the year. The medicine works wonders as it seems to have stopped the seizures. I am just exhausted after they leave. I am truly thankful that they aren't more severe. I am in a good place mentally! I am thankful. I am still a little tired and still have a lot to do, but what gets done gets done and what doesn't doesn't. Hope everyone who reads this has a great day as well as those who don't!!!

I write when...

I have noticed a trend of mines that I guess makes sense. I always have been a writer from the time I was a small child. I have a number of things that are heavy on my heart and aim to be stressors in my life right now. I have prayed about them and given them to the Lord. I do not worry about the situations :)I must say that I am better today dealing with things than I was actually just a few short weeks ago. I had to remind myself that my heavenly Father only wants the best for me. It was that realization that has allowed me to shake some things off. With all of that being said, I am grateful for Him. I take comfort out of knowing that all things are working together for my good in all areas of my life. My spiritual life is in tact. I know that, but in spite of it all, I love finding time to write and although I don’t have a whole lot of time after work, before work or during work to get my pretty pen and paper out, this blog is the closes thing to me for it. I write now and feel free. I may not be saying a whole lot, it may not matter to anyone else, but it is surely my therapy!

MS is playing fairly these days. Thankfully I'm doing okay. I normally dread seeing winter leave, but I am actually enjoying the spring weather that we are having. I have been walking outside more and love it (until I see a spider). I know when I have pushed myself too far. I start tingling in both my legs. I make it for the house on those occassions. I have actually started to walk for 30 minutes while at work. I am going to limit that to three times a week right now. I have to figure it all out, but I plan to keepmoving!!!

Well, have a great rest of the day!!!