Perspective

I hope everyone's Thanksgiving was wonderful. Mines was okay. I had an accident trying to avoid hitting a golden retriever mix. I didn't hit him thankfully (despite everyone telling me I should have, I am glad I didn't), he is alive and so am I and so is the driver of the other car involved in the accident. My right legged jammed into the dash board and I am having some problems walking from that, but I am still alive. My Thanksgiving Day was kind of blemished by the accident, but I lived. I had so many things that I wanted to do presentation wise as far as my dinner went, but never got a chance to do because of the time it took to get things straightened out at the scene of the accident. It looks like my car may be a total loss and I have to get another one, but I am okay with all of that as I am still alive. It could have been worse:), but thankfully it wasn't!

Midweek Blues

I am so tired, I could sleep until Monday it seems if I were to go right now. I am okay although. My heart misses my daddy like crazy, but again I know he is in a better place so because of that I still am able to find peace. I know when I get home tonight, I won't be doing a whole lot of anything. I know today is Wednesday, but yesterday felt like it ought to have been Friday. I don't know what it is. I have not been doing anything out of the ordinary. I know what MS fatigue is all about, but still normally there is some event or action on my part that brings about the fatigue. I guess perhaps mental exertion could have some role in all of this. Either way, I hope tomorrow is a more energy filled day. I guess we will see.

The Unthinkable

Since the last time I posted anything, I lost my dad. He passed away last Saturday. I was with him. I have never known there to be such an exact process to death. I was told when he was put on hospice that he would pass, but I did not know it would be this soon. In looking back now, I do know although that there were signs along the way. I read up on dying and death a lot in the last couple of weeks and being in denial, I didn't even see that which I was reading about. I read that his skin would be cool to the touch (it was), I read that his eyes might turn yellow (they did), I read that he would sleep more (it was constant near the end) and I just didn't want to see it, but he was dying right before my eyes. I love my daddy with all my heart. I am the picture of a daddy's little girl. I prayed all along that he wouldn't be alone if anything were to happen and he wasn't. I thank God for that. Although, many thought he endured a lot and "suffered." I think what he did was give my brother and I more time to deal with not having him around.

I have been dealing with things better than expected these past few days. I don't know what to do with myself now that I don't have to go by the hospital to see my dad. Many have told me that they don't see how I am able to deal with and handle things as well as I am and I simply think it's because of my faith. I know that there is a heaven and I believe that he is much better now. He doesn't have surgeries, infection after infection, feeding tubes or ventilators to worry about. He doesn't have anything to worry about at all now and because of that I am thankful. During his funeral, I smiled a lot as well as when I ever I think about him. Not many are able to do so. I have now got to make sure my life is in order so that one day we can be together. I love him so much and will never ever forget him, for it is because of him, I am who I am today.

My MS was at bay pretty much. I didn't over exert myself and I must say I wasn't stressed at all. I thank God for my family as crazy as each of us individually is. My hometown is where my daddy was buried at the church he grew up in. It is about two hours away from where I live. We travelled there (my husband, son and I) and stayed with my brother. I intended to come back to Columbia on Thursday and go to work. When I got out of bed on Thursday morning, it felt as if an 18-wheeler had run over me. I called out on Thursday from work and went in on yesterday. I was there physically, but mentally I wasn't. I am going in this morning to make up for yesterday and hopefully things will be alright concerning my work.

Don't know how to call it!!!

I am here. I am just not conscious of it it seems. My daddy is not doing very well. I know a lot of bad father stories, I guess I may even know a couple of bad fathers, but I am blessed to say that my daddy has been a great father since the time I was born. I was a premature baby and I am reminded of stories from my youth of how he would go to work at midnight, work all night and stop by the hospital to see every day. His health has been failing over the last few months and each time we see positive results, something negative follows right behind it. This time it is pretty bad and the doctors are suggesting that we have hospice come in. Which means they would stop feeding him and just "keep him comfortable." I don't like the stop feeding him part because it reminds me too much of perishing a person to death. Our mother has been under hospice care four times in the past and each time she makes an astonishing recovery. I have faith that my father may do it, but the doctors keep pushing the quality of his life and what he has endured and what they look forward to him enduring. I don't want him to suffer. I don't know what to do at this point and that's why I am leaning on the Lord. He is my source of strength and wisdom right now.

I must say that while enduring all of this, I kind of forgot that I have MS. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.

One of Those Days

I don't know if it is me or if everyone around me is going through some kind of PMS or if they had a cranky pill this morning or what. I know as women we have our moments, but here at work today I am having to stop and pause, regain my composure and keep moving. One coworker has shown me a side of her over the past couple of years that makes me want to really just not even talk to her. Some days with her are better than the others so I deal with her accordingly. Another one is of the menopause age and although she is on hormone medication has her days too. It is really bad today with everyone it seems which makes me question whether it is me. I don't claim to be perfect, but wow!  I am a very calm, mild mannered person so when this happens it takes me aback. It seems since my MS diagnosis, I am not able to handle things of this sort as well as I used to. I don't know if it has nothing to do with the MS or just that I have gotten older and have no time for the nonsense, but whatever it is it is really taking the God in me to sit down and remember to love everybody.

Did I Make This Up?

I know it can not be so and I know that this post won't give me a whole lot of answers, but I am just wondering about a little theory I have. I think weather changes has a role in my day to day health with MS. On days when the temperature changes more than five or so degrees from the day before, my body reacts awkwardly. It's like I endure some sort of mini-relapse that lasts until my body gets used to the new temperatures (usually a couple of days) which is usually a couple of days. I wonder what that is about....hmmmm!!! My brother also has MS and he seems to agree. When we talk on the phone on certain days where there is a change in the weather, I can detect in his voice that he isn't feeling his best. Of course I bring up my theory and finally now he says there may be something to it. Do either of you with MS experience this?

Slowing down...finally!!!

Oh how I have wanted to write (type). I have just been super busy here lately. I haven't really had time to slow down and smell the roses. Things are finally slowing down to a point where I can see the light at the end of that tunnel. My dad is still about the same. My mom is doing pretty goood thankfully!!! My own health is simply a reflection of my life these days. Super busy means more fatigue and the like. I don't have a whole lot more to add right now.... I feel like saying bah humbug - not sure why, but it felt good:)! Have a good day - On purpose!!!