Watch What You Say To Me!

The words of others make an incredible impact on one's life. I’ve always heard how we should be mindful about the things we speak over ourselves because there is power in our words. I’ve read scripture in the Bible about it even. I try to be very mindful of such. However, when others say things, we have no control over them. Just the other day a coworker of mines spoke some words to me and I am still yet, a couple of days later impacted by them.

It was Monday and I was having a good day. I resolved to look at Mondays as the blessing that they are some time ago as opposed to “Dreadful Monday.” I had a bounce in my step (even though it was a little too far off to the right – balance issues). I was going through my day in a wonderful way. I passed by her office and she and I started a conversation. She mentioned the fact that I could be having more relapses here lately because I was trying to do too much. I mentioned the fact that if I started doing less, I would begin to feel ill more often according to past times. I think part of the reason that I am able to still do as much as I do in spite of MS is because I WANT to do it. I think sometimes there is a mental component to any diagnosis. Her comment caused a whirlwind of thoughts to flood my mind and they still do. It made me question what I it exactly that I am actually doing. Am I making a great effort at being great or am I making a bad attempt to make things look as if they are okay when they are in fact not so okay? Should I be home in bed or at least relaxing and not worrying about the day to day stress of trying to do my job in order to make my life easier? Could my health be in a better condition if I stayed home and lived off of social security disability benefits? These are all questions that flood my mind right now. All of it started with a few well intentioned (I hope) words of a coworker. She said them and probably had forgotten them just as soon as she said them, but they stick with me still yet – even today. I just wish we could censor what others put out. I know I have the personal choice of how I let what others say impact but, but just to be able to require others to think about even simple statements they make would be awesome.

MS Did It!!!

I recently found myself explaining a mistake I made by using my Multiple Sclerosis (MS) diagnosis as the blame. I think it is easier to blame things on MS than to just deal with any other causes. I mean I forgot because I have all of these lesions on my brain some of which are active right now as we speak makes me feel so much better. I never wanted to become the person that justified things because of something else. I get disappointed at times when others do it and yet here I was doing it. I forgot to get my paperwork from your office, just because I have a million other things on my mind would have been more of a true statement than for me to blame it on MS which may or may not be the actual cause. I came home and went straight to bed because I wanted to as opposed to I do have MS and some days just don’t have any energy left may not go over as well with my family. I ordered take-out for dinner because I didn’t want to dirty up my kitchen tonight does not sound as nice as I think I am having a flare up. Now I honestly don’t fake MS symptoms and if it truly feels like I am in a flare I will let my family and friends know it. I just didn’t want to be that person that told all that she is enduring to others as an explanation of my shortcomings. I am glad that most of those around me know a good bit about MS and the fact that it sometimes does cause things to go awry. So from now on I am making a conscious effort to not blame it on MS!

The Blame Game

Good morning! In attempt to write more it seems that I write less. Bah humbug!

My health is not the best. I am thankful though that I have not had to endure any hospital stays. I have gone through another prednisone phase. Thankfully, it helped some. I still recognize symptoms of a flare up, but I still carry on. I am given this day so I will do what I can do this day.

I have been thinking a lot lately. I think about all of the things in life that I wanted to do, but didn't do. For each situation I found blame in someone or something else. It's no one or nothing's fault. It is my fault. I am the one who prevented me from doing whatever. I think it makes us feel better to have someone else to place the blame on. It let's us off the hook. No excuse. It was my fault. My next plan of action is to write out all the things that I wanted to do and examine whether or not it is something that I want to go back and revisit or just write completely off.

Think about your own life. Is there something that you haven't done and need to do, but blame is preventing you from doing it?

Thursday Morning Thoughts!!!

I am here because of the Lord. I am very thankful for that! I have been experiencing some health issues due to MS. I am just getting through yet another relapse. At first, I was kind of depressed about it, but realized  that I am still HERE. It is because of my still being here that I can only be  thankful and happy.

My latest relaspe rendered me very unsteady on my feet (just had one in June of this year so this one kind of suprised me). I was literally bouncing off the walls at home and at work. I went out and purchased my very first cane. It has helped tremendously. I carry it everywhere I go now. It just so happens to be kind of trendy too. I remember years ago when my mom had to first use one. It was kind of unsightly as well as pretty heavy. The one that I purchased kind of has a pinkish tint to it. It is very light weight and I kind of just zoom through whenever I am using it. I am thankful that this didn't send me into deep depression or anything of that sort. I am just happy at the little bit of independence it further allows me.

I have been trying to eat better and exercise a little more. It was going pretty good. I think I kind of got off track when the doctor prescribed prednisone to help with my most recent exacerbation. It wasn't because of the medicine causing an increase in my appetite, but it was me causing an increase in my appetite. You know how sometimes when you know the potential side effects of a drug, you experience the side effect simply because you know of it. I know that prednisone has caused me to have an increased appetite in the past so I kind of increased it myself in eating whatever I wanted to eat and blamed it on the prednisone mentally. That was my fault. I can't place the blame on the medicine there. I feel better and actually have more energy from the workout videos I was doing. I stopped doing them once my balance had gotten so bad that I risked tumbling over. Hopefully in the days to come, I can start back. It is much cooler here and I am thankful for that. I am going to start walking in the mornings before work. It is extremely hard for me to get out of the house when I get home from work. I figure if I do it first thing in the morning, by the time things come up to distract me or stop me, it will be already done. We will see how it goes. I had lost eight pounds, but am sure to have gained some of that back. Getting back on track as I type and chew on my 15 almonds for my mid-morning snack.

This is just a side note. The other night my heart was so very heavy. I was worried about a few things that I didn't know any easy solution for (actually I didn't even know a hard solution). I prayed to the Lord that night and drifted off to sleep. When I woke up, I was so much lighter. I thank God that he knows us. He loves us. He is our Father and only wants good for us. I didn't and still don't know the answers to some of the problems, but I find comfort in knowing that God has all of the answers. I trust Him and know that everything will be just fine! Nothing is too big for Him and because of that, I find peace. I love the Lord. I am so thankful to be a child of His. Whatever you may be facing, be it a health situation, marital, financial, anything no that He can handle it. Just give it to Him and walk away knowing that it will be taken care of.

Getting Back To Me!

I type this as I sit under the hairdryer awaiting my freshly "homemade" wrapped hair to dry. I haven't done this in years. This would be how all of my  Sunday nights were spent in my teen years at home. I would pamper myself. I would give myself a manicure and pedicure early in the evening and finish up by washing and doing my hair. This probably was how I spent three years worth of Sunday evenings. I went away to college and my Sundays mostly consisted of driving back to Columbia. I eventually moved off campus and quickly picked the routine back up. Whenever I would travel home, I would still make time for my ritual. Somewhere along the way, I dropped the habit off. I didn't pick the nail habits back up today, but I did wash my hair and am now here under this terribly hot dryer. I had forgotten until just a moment ago how I used to do this every week. I now have gotten in the routine of paying $45 every two weeks for a wash and style or $60 on weeks when my hair needs to be relaxed. I used to even do my own relaxers. Now I am afraid to even pick the boxes up to start. It's amazing to me how a tradition that I did for so long could just vanish so quickly. I had a good day today. I visited my mom, brother and still made it back to attend a function at Michael's school. I now sit here under the dryer typing away and enjoying my one indulgence of the day - a bowl of ice cream. I will have to create another post discussing my newest attempt at the South Beach Diet (which I still am on by the way) and my latest good moments, trials and tribulations with MS.

Random Thoughts!

            I have so many things on mind. Where do I start? I am feeling better. I had another stay at the hospital, but I am better now and moving right along. I went to my second MS support group meeting last night and feel that they are such a positive experience. There was a good mix of people. We had a roundtable discussion about various things. It was funny because the facilitator kind of had a hard time keeping us all on track. I think our each of our brains were doing it’s own thing. We would hear the question and answer a part of it, but then go in a completely different direction. It was funny now that I think about it. I am sure it wasn’t as funny for the facilitator, but she has MS too so I think she understood. I am contemplating a few things in my mind right now considering the future. I worry about the day that I need to file for social security. Each day something happens to make feel that the date I need to leave the workworld is moving closer and closer. School is about to start up again for Michael. He will be in the 12 grade this year. It is hard to believe how fast time has gone. This is a lot of rambling it seems, but that’s how things flow in and out of my mind so I think it proper to write them just like they are! Hope you’re having a great day!

The sun shines after the storm!

       In thinking about my job and what I do. I feel bad sometimes because I get paid regardless of my "work production." Whether I put forth my best foot, work hard or slack off and do nothing all day, my pay is the same. I say that now, but then I think about the days when I put forth my best at the moment and realize that it may not add up to what it should and am then reminded how I am glad I don't get paid for actual work worth :(. The past few weeks, actually couple of months, have been pretty bad. I would fire me if I were my boss. Thank God my bosses don't feel that way!!! It has to get better.                             
       I have prayed for direction and guidance when it comes to my career. Here lately, my health has been a constant thought in my mind at work. I come to do a job that will help promote my company. For eight hours of the day, that is all I have to do. At one time I considered myself to be the biggest benefit amongst all the other employers. Not being cocky or arrogant, but my work ethic is such that it stood above the rest. Right about now, I don't know and for me that is a problem.  It shouldn't be too hard right? I have 16 other hours left in my day to do whatever else I want to except for maybe an hour and a half that is spent preparing for work and actually getting there. 
       I must admit that I am feeling better. Although this post reflects my true feelings, my soul feels a whole lot better about things. I think I am coming out of the last exacerbation and I thank God for that. I can see normal most of the time. I am dealing with the fatigue a little better now. I initially started this post early last week, but never got a chance to finish and submit it until now (took time to finish until now). I am doing so much better now. I think in time things will get even better. Patience is the key I guess.

Sunday afternoons

greatdreams.com

I am feeling a little better. I have endured a very long last past couple of weeks. My vision has been poor along with some other issues. I see well enough to type here at the computer. I started having the partial seizures again and feel pretty bad. I am still here although and because of that I rejoice. Hopefully, this current exacerbation will soon be on it's way out. I have had the Solumedrol treatments at my local infusion center. I did really well right after them, but now can tell that I am not taking anything. I did start taking the Copaxone that I had left over from when I stopped taking it before. I think my own treatment plan of not taking anything proved to be not as effective as I thought it would be. I take the Copaxone until the Rebif makes it here and I start taking it. It has been a long road just to get here and here is not the greatest place to be. I continue with prayer and faith. It'll all work out I know!

Learning Experience

I am back at work after a long weekend. I did get to rest a good bit. With temperatures in the high 90s I stayed inside for much of the weekend. Yesterday my husband and mother-in-law wanted to cook-out at our place. I didn't do much as I really wasn't feeling up to it. I still am suffering from the heavy weight of this fatigue, my speech is slurred and at times I catch myself drooling! I didn't want company and especially a cook-out. I wanted some comfortable lounge pants, an old t-shirt, good book and a cold drink all weekend long. I am ever so greatful for the contributions of our military women and men from years past all the way up to the ones right now and the ones in the future even. I didn't feel very well this weekend and had it not been for that I would have had my entire family out doing something at Ft. Jackson in honor of them. I just felt bad. I did agree on Saturday that "they"could do the cook-out if they so desired. Well, they did it all. I just sat on the couch (with my book) and watched and waited. My husband did a swell job and when it was getting late and I needed to get in bed for work today, he told everybody kindly that was sorry that we had work tomorrow and that they could get them a to go plate and they slowly started leaving. It went well. I was proud of him and my mother-in-law for respecting my being under the weather and taking care of everything. In the midst of all the anxiety I had about having people over and not really feeling like myself, I saw that things could go well even if I wasn't the one doing everything! Perhaps I can relinquish more things!

I AM TIRED...

I am worn out. I am at work and can't focus on the day at hand simply because I am severley tired, chronically fatigued, plain old pooped out. I got out of bed after ten hours of sleep completely drained and tired this morning. Yesterday I was the same way after eight hours of sleep.Yesterday wasn't any better, but for some magical reason I presumed that getting some rest would be the fix I needed. It didn't work!!!  I contemplated making a doctor's appt., but thought about my doctor telling me just a couple of weeks ago how excited she was to be going on vacation at the end of the month. I don't want to see another doctor and I figure what can they do anyway, but tell me to deal with it. At last check I typed 113 words per minute. Now it seems I would be doing good to be typing 30 words per minute.  The fatigue feels like someone has weights tied or tyed hmmm (you see what I mean brain functioning impaired) to my legs and arms. I am simply tired. This is what MS fatigues is. I have labeled other times when I was pooped out  as MS fatigue, but this by far is the worse that it has ever been. I would even jump for joy at those times right now in comparison to how I feel right now. I am not complaining, but just suprised that it could be this bad. In all honesty, I want to walk out the door of this building and cuddle up in the back of my car until I have more energy no matter how long it takes. Considering we've been having high 90 degree weather and my back seat is full of clothes to give Goodwill this afternoon, I'd probably better change that thought. Something has to give y'all. I just don't know what!!! To tired to think of what!

Happenings

In just under a month a whole lot has happened. We've endured losing an aunt and an uncle. My aunt was on my mother's side and my uncle was on my father's side. Both funerals brought me around some family members I hadn't seen in years. I even was able to meet some new family members that I didn't even know existed as some of my cousins had children that I didn't even know about. Although the loss of both my uncle and aunt were hard, I took the time to really sit back and breathe family. It seems as if every time I go home to my hometown, I never get to enjoy the moment. I am always running from here to there. When my uncle died, I was only able to spend a little time with my family on my dad's side and I think that was by choice because I was grieving the loss of my uncle, but also the loss of my uncle's brother (my dad). His death brought back so many memories. I didn't want to stick around for that very much. I went to the funeral, spoke to a few friends and sped back to the city which allowed me to hide in the midst of it all.

My aunt's passing gave me an opportunity for something oh so different. It allowed me to wrap my arms around loved ones, laugh about old memories and be present amongst them. I even ate dinner with two of my favorite aunts. My aunt Olitha provided some of the best hash and white bread (I hadn't had homemade hash in a couple of years) and my aunt Gwen cooked a feast in a little under two hours which included dressing, macaroni pie and a host of other southern cooked wonders. Food is one expression of my joy!

My health has sustained me for the last month. I must admit that when I came back this week from my long weekend with family, I was a little drained. I was on the go and good bit. My aunt's funeral was Tuesday and we came back home on Monday night. I woke up on Tuesday morning, went to the bathroom to wash my face and start my typical morning routine and decided against going to work. I was truly tired. I slept for most of the day on Tuesday and am back at work raring to go. I have started the partial seizures again. I am just taking the Trileptal that the doctor told me to come down off of earlier in the year. The medicine works wonders as it seems to have stopped the seizures. I am just exhausted after they leave. I am truly thankful that they aren't more severe. I am in a good place mentally! I am thankful. I am still a little tired and still have a lot to do, but what gets done gets done and what doesn't doesn't. Hope everyone who reads this has a great day as well as those who don't!!!

I write when...

I have noticed a trend of mines that I guess makes sense. I always have been a writer from the time I was a small child. I have a number of things that are heavy on my heart and aim to be stressors in my life right now. I have prayed about them and given them to the Lord. I do not worry about the situations :)I must say that I am better today dealing with things than I was actually just a few short weeks ago. I had to remind myself that my heavenly Father only wants the best for me. It was that realization that has allowed me to shake some things off. With all of that being said, I am grateful for Him. I take comfort out of knowing that all things are working together for my good in all areas of my life. My spiritual life is in tact. I know that, but in spite of it all, I love finding time to write and although I don’t have a whole lot of time after work, before work or during work to get my pretty pen and paper out, this blog is the closes thing to me for it. I write now and feel free. I may not be saying a whole lot, it may not matter to anyone else, but it is surely my therapy!

MS is playing fairly these days. Thankfully I'm doing okay. I normally dread seeing winter leave, but I am actually enjoying the spring weather that we are having. I have been walking outside more and love it (until I see a spider). I know when I have pushed myself too far. I start tingling in both my legs. I make it for the house on those occassions. I have actually started to walk for 30 minutes while at work. I am going to limit that to three times a week right now. I have to figure it all out, but I plan to keepmoving!!!

Well, have a great rest of the day!!!

Naps can hurt

Last night I was up rather late. I didn't get to sleep until around 3am. Well, I was at yard sales this morning bright and early. I came home and fumbled around until shortly after 2pm. At that time, I took a nap. I woke up about three hours later fully refreshed. It's almost midnight now and I can't find sleep. I left it in bed earlier when I got up from my nap. Oh well, it looks like I won't be going to early morning service.

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Irregularity is not my friend

I'm at an eye doctor's appt. and it is one in which both my husband and I are scheduled for the same time. I typically have appointments alone. This wasn't a good plan. Don't like sharing the doctor. At least not in same time frame. Then there was last night. I was awakened at 3am by a family friend who was intoxicated. Terrible start to my day. I went back to sleep around 6 and had to get up at 6:35 to turn my alarm off and snooze for ten more minutes. Although in an average person's mind, this doesn't sound like anything to write home to ma about, it was about enough for me to go crazy!!!! I seldom find a reason to step outside of the box and most days I justcwant to tape the box up!!!

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On my way....

Well, finally I know how to blog from my cell phone. Give me a minute and I am going to be blogging all the time.

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What "A" Time!!!

It has been midterm time for me all this week and a portion of last week. Wow is all a girl can say. If it had not been for the Lord! I think I lost my brain somewhere along the way a couple of weeks ago and it just hasn't found it's way back home yet. I think I will be okay when grades start coming in, but it took everything in me not to withdraw from school this semester. It has been a hard road, but I must keep looking toward the end result, right?  I started telling myself that I was doing this for my dad months ago. He was such a lover of higher education and prided himself in the fact that I had a couple of degrees under my belt. He seemed thrilled when I told him I was back in school. I have mentioned here how on the day that he passed, I told him I had a paper due. He passed right at the moment that I finished my paper. That memory and the memory of how I use to tell him this is for you daddy is what got me through the last exam which was last night.

I don't know what's going on with me still yet and my doctor has said just to give it some time and come back to see him in a month as he said a lot of his patients complain of cognitive issues. That doesn't help when I am the one doing the complaining, but hopefully by the next appointment, all will be well in my head.. I hate when this happens because I am so cognizant of the fact that things aren't right. I play the brain helping games and I read a lot (as much as time allows), but I wait as my doctor tells me to do. I forget a lot and have some of my older coworkers who remind me that forgetfulness is inevitable. For them I am forever thankful as they make me smile. I just wish my forgetfulness would come when I was there age instead of my own:(. I know this sounds like a woe is me post as have my last posts more than likely, but I am okay. I am thankful for the things that have happened in my life and those that still do happen on a daily basis. It is what it is and I have a choice to make lemonade with this bag of lemons!!!

COPAXONE IS NOT AN INTERFERON!!!

It is yet Monday again. I am glad to be here at work a little earlier than I normally would be. It is like spring here. The weather man said it's supposed to reach 80 here today. Wow, I never thought I would think this, but YES! Not only will I be able to get back outside, but the energy bill will go down. I was suprised at high it has been this winter. I am feeling a good bit better and am thankful for that. I took my first Copaxone injection on Friday and I won't be taking another one of those this week while I work, but I may try it again next Saturday. I can only blame my actions on Saturday on the shot. I took it Friday night now that I think about it. I woke up on Saturday morning with big plans to clean, clean and then clean some more. Well, that was short lived. It was like I couldn't get it together. I had the washing machine filling up, wet clothes in the dryer, but had forgotten to turn the dryer on, the floor sprinkled with carpet fresh, the sink filled with hot soapy water, the vacuum cleaner lying on the floor awaiting the entry of a new bag so that I could vacuum(can't get down with the bagless vacuums), bucket filled with water to clean a certain spot in the carpet. I just had tooooo much going on. It's like I started doing everything, but before I could complete one thing, I was on to the next task. I also wasn't thinking straight. I lost my debit card when I went out. I thought I had lost something else and looked for it most of Saturday afternoon, but right now I can't even tell you what that item was....hmmm... Nope! I just don't know what that item was. I guess I will remember when I need it, if I need it. Just thinking to myself, do the interferons not impact others this way? Betaseron was no better. The only other choice that sounds reasonable is Rebif and I don't know anyone who takes that personally, but I guess that is a question to post on the National Multiple Sclerosis Society's Facebook wall. They just seem to dumb me down. I didn't dare to do anything resembling school work. It just wasn't the day for it. I will pay for that come this week, but I just do declare that shot took a day away from me!!! There has to be a better way to stop the lesions that MS causes to appear on my brain. I never considered Tysabri before, but there has gotta be a better way!!! Although, I don't think Tysabri would be that better way. I just have to find out.

Trying to Snap Out of It!!!

It is once again Monday morning. It is unbelievable how fast Mondays come. I was pretty much useless all weekend. I was supposed to work on school work, do some taxes for a couple of customers, catch up on some bookkeeping for my aunt's store,  clean my house and even do my weekly shopping. Well, Saturday morning came and I honestly can't even tell you what I did with it. Before I knew it, it was gone. I remember my husband went to work Saturday afternoon, but he was back home when I woke up to use the bathroom. I didn't even know I had been asleep. Yep, I had fallen asleep around 2:30pm on Saturday and did not wake back up until after 9. Then on Sunday, I stayed in bed until 12:15pm. That means I missed church, missed cooking breakfast, missed putting my dinner on and all of the oh so many other things that I should have done. Ok - Fast foward to Sunday evening and we have another day of which I basically just slept.

My new neurologist ordered a bucket load of tests when I was there and started me on a three day treatment of Solumedrol because I was still enduring the current relapse. He ordered it be given at an infusion treatment center because the meds have caused my sugar level to rise and they are worried about diabetes!!! . My health insurance requires that a physician be present while I get my treatment. The physician that is there at the center is a retired gynecologist. He is there on certain days only. I got treatment on this past Thursday and Friday, but have to wait until Tuesday to get my next and final one as the doctor doesn't work weekends and Mondays. I wasn't able to go home and see my mom because of this and that was a major bummer. Hopefully, I will be all better to drive up there soon and see her. It does me good to spend time with her and I like to think it does the same for her.

Recently has just been a doozie of a time for me. I sometimes wonder about a lot of things, but my faith never waivers and because of that, I press on so to say. I mean there is no need to complain anyway, but it does feel good to get it out of my mind. I am honestly looking forward to a more peaceful, serene time. It has to be near. There is always a quiet after the storm, right?

WOW!!!

I do declare that time has just gotten away from me!!! I can not believe that we are almost at the end of January!!! I have been doing school assignments here lately and that has taken away from my blog time. The fact that I am yet another relapse also doesn't help things. I tell you this MS is for the birds. I see a new neurologist soon and I am very happy about that. He is supposedly a very good one and knows his stuff when it comes to MS. I can't wait. I can wait however for the new MRI that he will order I am sure. I am not claustrophobic at all, I just don't like taking time off of work to have it done. I have been going home to see my mom more often and each time it does me so good. It is hard to leave when I do go. I just want to stay there with her. My husband and I are seriously discussing the possibility of moving there so that I can be closer to her and so that we can enjoy the "country." I have always said that I wanted to retire and return to my hometown, but at 33, I am ready for that now, LOL. I just wanted to check in and see what others have been writing and write a little of my own as well. I think this is my therapy so you can imagine how my mind must be overloaded since I haven't been writing as much as I'd like!!! Hopefully, I will be able to get more thoughts out of this scarred brain of mine and here as time permits!!! Hope this is a wonderful week for everyone!!!