The Blame Game

Good morning! In attempt to write more it seems that I write less. Bah humbug!

My health is not the best. I am thankful though that I have not had to endure any hospital stays. I have gone through another prednisone phase. Thankfully, it helped some. I still recognize symptoms of a flare up, but I still carry on. I am given this day so I will do what I can do this day.

I have been thinking a lot lately. I think about all of the things in life that I wanted to do, but didn't do. For each situation I found blame in someone or something else. It's no one or nothing's fault. It is my fault. I am the one who prevented me from doing whatever. I think it makes us feel better to have someone else to place the blame on. It let's us off the hook. No excuse. It was my fault. My next plan of action is to write out all the things that I wanted to do and examine whether or not it is something that I want to go back and revisit or just write completely off.

Think about your own life. Is there something that you haven't done and need to do, but blame is preventing you from doing it?

Thursday Morning Thoughts!!!

I am here because of the Lord. I am very thankful for that! I have been experiencing some health issues due to MS. I am just getting through yet another relapse. At first, I was kind of depressed about it, but realized  that I am still HERE. It is because of my still being here that I can only be  thankful and happy.

My latest relaspe rendered me very unsteady on my feet (just had one in June of this year so this one kind of suprised me). I was literally bouncing off the walls at home and at work. I went out and purchased my very first cane. It has helped tremendously. I carry it everywhere I go now. It just so happens to be kind of trendy too. I remember years ago when my mom had to first use one. It was kind of unsightly as well as pretty heavy. The one that I purchased kind of has a pinkish tint to it. It is very light weight and I kind of just zoom through whenever I am using it. I am thankful that this didn't send me into deep depression or anything of that sort. I am just happy at the little bit of independence it further allows me.

I have been trying to eat better and exercise a little more. It was going pretty good. I think I kind of got off track when the doctor prescribed prednisone to help with my most recent exacerbation. It wasn't because of the medicine causing an increase in my appetite, but it was me causing an increase in my appetite. You know how sometimes when you know the potential side effects of a drug, you experience the side effect simply because you know of it. I know that prednisone has caused me to have an increased appetite in the past so I kind of increased it myself in eating whatever I wanted to eat and blamed it on the prednisone mentally. That was my fault. I can't place the blame on the medicine there. I feel better and actually have more energy from the workout videos I was doing. I stopped doing them once my balance had gotten so bad that I risked tumbling over. Hopefully in the days to come, I can start back. It is much cooler here and I am thankful for that. I am going to start walking in the mornings before work. It is extremely hard for me to get out of the house when I get home from work. I figure if I do it first thing in the morning, by the time things come up to distract me or stop me, it will be already done. We will see how it goes. I had lost eight pounds, but am sure to have gained some of that back. Getting back on track as I type and chew on my 15 almonds for my mid-morning snack.

This is just a side note. The other night my heart was so very heavy. I was worried about a few things that I didn't know any easy solution for (actually I didn't even know a hard solution). I prayed to the Lord that night and drifted off to sleep. When I woke up, I was so much lighter. I thank God that he knows us. He loves us. He is our Father and only wants good for us. I didn't and still don't know the answers to some of the problems, but I find comfort in knowing that God has all of the answers. I trust Him and know that everything will be just fine! Nothing is too big for Him and because of that, I find peace. I love the Lord. I am so thankful to be a child of His. Whatever you may be facing, be it a health situation, marital, financial, anything no that He can handle it. Just give it to Him and walk away knowing that it will be taken care of.

Getting Back To Me!

I type this as I sit under the hairdryer awaiting my freshly "homemade" wrapped hair to dry. I haven't done this in years. This would be how all of my  Sunday nights were spent in my teen years at home. I would pamper myself. I would give myself a manicure and pedicure early in the evening and finish up by washing and doing my hair. This probably was how I spent three years worth of Sunday evenings. I went away to college and my Sundays mostly consisted of driving back to Columbia. I eventually moved off campus and quickly picked the routine back up. Whenever I would travel home, I would still make time for my ritual. Somewhere along the way, I dropped the habit off. I didn't pick the nail habits back up today, but I did wash my hair and am now here under this terribly hot dryer. I had forgotten until just a moment ago how I used to do this every week. I now have gotten in the routine of paying $45 every two weeks for a wash and style or $60 on weeks when my hair needs to be relaxed. I used to even do my own relaxers. Now I am afraid to even pick the boxes up to start. It's amazing to me how a tradition that I did for so long could just vanish so quickly. I had a good day today. I visited my mom, brother and still made it back to attend a function at Michael's school. I now sit here under the dryer typing away and enjoying my one indulgence of the day - a bowl of ice cream. I will have to create another post discussing my newest attempt at the South Beach Diet (which I still am on by the way) and my latest good moments, trials and tribulations with MS.

Random Thoughts!

            I have so many things on mind. Where do I start? I am feeling better. I had another stay at the hospital, but I am better now and moving right along. I went to my second MS support group meeting last night and feel that they are such a positive experience. There was a good mix of people. We had a roundtable discussion about various things. It was funny because the facilitator kind of had a hard time keeping us all on track. I think our each of our brains were doing it’s own thing. We would hear the question and answer a part of it, but then go in a completely different direction. It was funny now that I think about it. I am sure it wasn’t as funny for the facilitator, but she has MS too so I think she understood. I am contemplating a few things in my mind right now considering the future. I worry about the day that I need to file for social security. Each day something happens to make feel that the date I need to leave the workworld is moving closer and closer. School is about to start up again for Michael. He will be in the 12 grade this year. It is hard to believe how fast time has gone. This is a lot of rambling it seems, but that’s how things flow in and out of my mind so I think it proper to write them just like they are! Hope you’re having a great day!

The sun shines after the storm!

       In thinking about my job and what I do. I feel bad sometimes because I get paid regardless of my "work production." Whether I put forth my best foot, work hard or slack off and do nothing all day, my pay is the same. I say that now, but then I think about the days when I put forth my best at the moment and realize that it may not add up to what it should and am then reminded how I am glad I don't get paid for actual work worth :(. The past few weeks, actually couple of months, have been pretty bad. I would fire me if I were my boss. Thank God my bosses don't feel that way!!! It has to get better.                             
       I have prayed for direction and guidance when it comes to my career. Here lately, my health has been a constant thought in my mind at work. I come to do a job that will help promote my company. For eight hours of the day, that is all I have to do. At one time I considered myself to be the biggest benefit amongst all the other employers. Not being cocky or arrogant, but my work ethic is such that it stood above the rest. Right about now, I don't know and for me that is a problem.  It shouldn't be too hard right? I have 16 other hours left in my day to do whatever else I want to except for maybe an hour and a half that is spent preparing for work and actually getting there. 
       I must admit that I am feeling better. Although this post reflects my true feelings, my soul feels a whole lot better about things. I think I am coming out of the last exacerbation and I thank God for that. I can see normal most of the time. I am dealing with the fatigue a little better now. I initially started this post early last week, but never got a chance to finish and submit it until now (took time to finish until now). I am doing so much better now. I think in time things will get even better. Patience is the key I guess.

Sunday afternoons

greatdreams.com

I am feeling a little better. I have endured a very long last past couple of weeks. My vision has been poor along with some other issues. I see well enough to type here at the computer. I started having the partial seizures again and feel pretty bad. I am still here although and because of that I rejoice. Hopefully, this current exacerbation will soon be on it's way out. I have had the Solumedrol treatments at my local infusion center. I did really well right after them, but now can tell that I am not taking anything. I did start taking the Copaxone that I had left over from when I stopped taking it before. I think my own treatment plan of not taking anything proved to be not as effective as I thought it would be. I take the Copaxone until the Rebif makes it here and I start taking it. It has been a long road just to get here and here is not the greatest place to be. I continue with prayer and faith. It'll all work out I know!

Learning Experience

I am back at work after a long weekend. I did get to rest a good bit. With temperatures in the high 90s I stayed inside for much of the weekend. Yesterday my husband and mother-in-law wanted to cook-out at our place. I didn't do much as I really wasn't feeling up to it. I still am suffering from the heavy weight of this fatigue, my speech is slurred and at times I catch myself drooling! I didn't want company and especially a cook-out. I wanted some comfortable lounge pants, an old t-shirt, good book and a cold drink all weekend long. I am ever so greatful for the contributions of our military women and men from years past all the way up to the ones right now and the ones in the future even. I didn't feel very well this weekend and had it not been for that I would have had my entire family out doing something at Ft. Jackson in honor of them. I just felt bad. I did agree on Saturday that "they"could do the cook-out if they so desired. Well, they did it all. I just sat on the couch (with my book) and watched and waited. My husband did a swell job and when it was getting late and I needed to get in bed for work today, he told everybody kindly that was sorry that we had work tomorrow and that they could get them a to go plate and they slowly started leaving. It went well. I was proud of him and my mother-in-law for respecting my being under the weather and taking care of everything. In the midst of all the anxiety I had about having people over and not really feeling like myself, I saw that things could go well even if I wasn't the one doing everything! Perhaps I can relinquish more things!