Just when....

Just when one thinks they are on a path to doing well, BAM! That's okay though because I know that with triumphs come hardships. The God that is head of my life is wonderful! All things (ALL THINGS) work together for the good of us who love Him. I know that. My dad is not doing well again. They have had to put him back on the ventilator. His heart's rhythm was off along with other things some serious and some not so much. I am and we all are praying that God's will be done. Period. That's it!  I spoke with my mom on the phone today. That is a milestone! I hadn't heard her voice in months and it did my heart so good to simply speak to her. I would ask her questions and she answered  as if it was 1991 when her health was much better. It is through her that I get a first hand picture of what life with Multiple Sclerosis can and will be. She is a fighter. She has been through many storms and yet is still the jovial mother I remember from my childhood. MS has over the years taken her ability to walk, talk (at times), move her limbs, and do anything other than look and watch the world pass her by, but she is still here and alive and she has the most amazing smile on her face while lying in bed most days. I love my parents at 33 like I did at the age of 3. They are everything to me. Without them I would be nothing (literally).

On other fronts everything is going well. I am going back to school soon, working a job and a half and doing quite well. When stress approaches I just turn the other cheek and am pretty okay normally. I have come to realize that I don't have to fix, handle, deal with every situation in my life. When my mom used to say turn it over to the Lord, it was for a reason.

Living

The last few days have been filled with things that cause me to pause a little. That is why I haven't even really been on the internet.. I have a lot to catch on in reading as well. My son's aunt (he is technically my stepson so his mom's sister) passed and I have been really dealing with all that pertains to that. He lost his mom when he was seven. She died in the same way as his mom, in her sleep. It is a heartaching situation period, but even more because of the pain I know he felt when his mom passed being reignited in a way that had not been done since her death. I know he hurts from the loss of his mother and it hurts my heart simply to know what more he must be going through now. I have also been dealing with the doctors at the hospital "harrassing" me again about my dad's health. It seems where he has been on the iv feedings for so long, it has wreaked havoc on his liver. I know a good God. Any time I ask my dad if he has more fight, he lets me know in subtle ways that he does and because of that I can't authorize the hospital to change his status. I just can't do it. It feels like they want me to committ murder. I know my dad has a troublesome road ahead, but he is a fighter. I just can't give up if he doesn't want me too. Simple and plain. He has been in the hospital for a very long time. I just wish they understood better where I am coming from. My birthday was yesterday and it was a rather stressful period that all stems from my inability to say no to certain things. I am a nurturer and helper by nature. If there is a need, I try to help in one way or the other. I am better at saying no to frivolous things and requests now than I used to be and am saying no on a more frequent, consistent basis. I feel bad about it at first, but do have to learn to take care of myself. MS is a serious illness and although I feel okay, I know what all can happen in the event that I don't do like I should. I must say with the events of this week, I haven't been doing what I know to do, but am praying for strength to make it through all that's going on and remind myself to simply breathe here and there. It will work out I know, thankfully!

Some Things I Am Figuring Out!

I have been busy the last couple of days and I take busy-ness as it is. I have been feeling okay. Not great, not terrible. I have started to really see how one's mindset is a determining factor on so many different levels. As you know a couple of weeks back, I changed my own mindset. I have been more conscious of the fact that I am a child of God. He only wants what's best for me. My Father is all powerful. That is enough for me not to worry, not to be stressed. I promise you that the new thought processes that I have adapted make for a better life for me. I feel so much lighter and free when I don't have the burden of worrying on my shoulders. My dad is still yet holding on by the grace of the good Lord. I just found out that one of my uncle's passed back home. I don't know all of the details quite yet, but need to make some calls at lunch to find out more. I remember my parents and grandparents always saying every year takes out it's number. They meant that in the months of November and December, the amount of deaths would seem to increase. This year we haven't dealt with the loss of loved ones on a consistent basis. I am praying for strength for my aunt and for the strength of all of us who loved him. I have to get up to see them all.


Everything has been going fairly well and again I attribute that too my new onlook on things. Yesterday morning I stepped on the curtains at one of the windows to my double windows in my bedroom. That caused the rods, therefore the curtains, to all fall from both windows down to the floor. When I attempted to pick them up they actually had come off the rod. Bah humbug!!! I was livid for a second, but quickly paused and said thank you Lord for I don't know what the reason You have for my having to slow down this morning, but I am ever so thankful for You know best. I put them up well enough to go to work. Usually, I am anal about getting things back in place, but this morning I noticed they were still hanging up there willie nillie and didn't even stop to fix it. Every thing is well and it has taken me 33 years to get to this place of peace. I am loving it!!!!

Perception is everything!

Yesterday, I started walking at the track across from my apartment complex. It was so nice and rejuvenating to be out in the crisp morning air on a pretty day. It was probably about 82 degrees as it was still early in the day. I felt good. I made a conscious effort to absorb the experience and it was grand. I walked for about 35 minutes. I was going to do at least an hour, but because I started to feel numbness in my left leg. I walked off the track a little earlier than I had anticipated. I was able to get out and do something.

Later in the day, I felt like a Mack truck had hit me and I was regretting my earlier decision to get out and get moving. It was like I had ran a marathon. I decided after feeling this way, I would not walk again. It wasn't until I was climbing into bed last night that I realized, I have spent days walking for hours at WalMart and doing other things. Although, I felt terrible later in the day yesterday. I just need to tweak things a little. I can start walking in the evening, therefore when I am done, I can shower and relax a little without having other tasks to attend to. I just can't give up after one day. I have to do this for my health. There are a number of people who are counting on my being alive and I need not do anything to rush my life on away. I have stopped buying, therefore eating, sweets. That is a very hard thing for me. I may have mentioned this before, but sugar is more addictive than cocaine. WOW!!! I am doing it one day at a time and it is truly a struggle. Some days, I must admit having lost.

I was off of work for a total of four days and was oh so ready to get back here this morning. Today hasn't been as bad as I anticipated (thank God). There isn't a whole, whole lot of work for me to catch up on, but it's been enough to keep me busy. Which is a good thing when racing thoughts that won't quit appear. Well, my lunch hour is officially over. I will return to work and await the 5 o'clock hour.

It depends on how you(I) see it

A lot has happened over the last few days. I am in a good place. My health is well. Everything on the home front, job front and all fronts overall are well. I am living my life, going through the daily grind. Well, last week, I had a bit of shakiness to come in like a small earthquake. Instead of responding to it, like I would in earlier days, I handled it like it should have been handled. Although, it threatened to change this new evolution of the woman I am becoming, the woman I need to have long ago been, it didn’t. My husband pulled a ploy to get back into my life. This ploy, albeit serious, was one in which I realized I love him to death, but honestly am not in love with him. At least right now. I am tired. You know when you’ve done all you can do, all you should do and you are at the point of no return? I think I am at that point and although, I love him and would do anything for him, it is time for me to put me first at least for now. I will never close the door on what can happen tomorrow or even in the next minute, but for right now – I am done. I continue on executing the I am done plan and we will see what tomorrow truly does hold.